I love to shop!

Big surprise, eh?

This year I received gift cards from my family as well as for N8. We have had so much fun shopping for ourselves (without the guilt)--it's been amazing!

So what if I know what's under the tree? I picked it out myself and had a blast doing it!

YouTube makes me HAPPY

I don't know what it is about YouTube but it seriously makes me so happy. Maybe the sleep deprivation and stress levels are finally taking its toll on my psyche...but I've been laughing my ass off for the past 1/2 hour (taking a nice break between medical terminology and the third stage of labor)-- humor me, just laugh. OK?

Are you kidding me?

According to this new article Baby, you're home... in the NY Times the National Association of Obstetrics and Gynecology convinced the American Medical Association to join the coalition against home births and in June of this year the AMA made an official statement "condemning home births".

Now I understand the medical community makes a ton of money off everyday, naturally occurring events. However when a naturally occurring event (take POOPING for example) gets hindered in some way, medical attention can help get things moving again (think: stool softener or laxative). If there is a serious condition and the intestines suddenly stop working properly or become perforated in some freak accident, then medical attention is available to help you get your shit together (pun intended, thank you very much). Now why on earth would I feel the need to go to a doctor's office if I suddenly have the urge to poop? Will I feel comfortable going into a sterile environment with monitors and bright lights to allow my body to function properly in front of 4 strangers? Or do you think I'd like to remain within the comforts of my own home?

Until 50 years ago, maternity wards in hospitals were very scarce. Women were giving birth the same way women have been bringing children into this world for the past TWO THOUSAND YEARS. Primitive societies (or those without access to modern medical technology) have much lower mortality rates in mothers and newborns. WHY do you think this is true?

According to the CDC the "leading cause of infant mortality is congenital malformations, deformations and chromosomal abnormalities with a rate of 20.2 percent. Disorders related to short gestation and low birth weight was the second leading cause of death for all infants at 16.4 percent of all deaths. Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is the third leading cause of infant death. Its incidence decreased by about 9 percent, which it has been doing since 1988. The fourth leading cause of death comes under the heading of newborn affected by maternal complications of pregnancy. This rate actually increased from 2001 to 2002 from 37.2 per 100,000 live births to 42.9 per 100,000 in 2002."

Congenital malformations and genetics- will they still exist in a hospital birth? YES. Disorders related to short gestation and subsequent low birth rates- will they still exist in hospital births? YES. And guess what else? If a woman goes into preterm labor then she is sent to the hospital for medical intervention!! SIDS- does this still exist with hospital births? YES. Can it be prevented? NO. Maternal complications of pregnancy? Guess what? Prenatal care and continuous followups maintain the same level of preventative care and awareness that would exist in an obstetrician's office.

So what EXACTLY are you saying about giving birth at home? Genetics? Premature labor? SIDS? Prenatal Complications? But what EXACTLY are you saying about BIRTH?

that's what I thought.

You know how difficult it's been trying to take away womens rights to abortion? Just wait until you see the opposition that will be shoved down your throat when you try taking away womens rights to give birth!!!! You will see less prenatal care because women don't want to risk the state finding out they are pregnant and requiring them to go to the hospital. You will see more babies born on the side of the road or across state borders to avoid your restrictions. You will see mother and infant mortality rates increase dramatically...all in the name of "safety".

Now take your ball and go home- you're no longer invited to play.

School started last week...

that's it.
that's all i have to say.

I started my program for Midwifery and have been SO INCREDIBLY BUSY ever since. I have been out of school way too long for this crap. Seriously it's kickin my ass.

My vote- November 4th 2008

First- TRY THIS and then continue reading...

Either way this election will meet historic levels; either a black man will be President or a woman will be Vice President and both are truly remarkable events in our history! I feel every American will be able to tell their children "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up, even President of the United States" and truly mean it! Now, having stated my warm fuzzies...here are the rest of my thoughts:

"Families making more than $250,000 will pay either the same or lower tax rates than they paid in the 1990s. Obama will ask the wealthiest 2% of families to give back a portion of the tax cuts they have received over the past eight years to ensure we are restoring fairness and returning to fiscal responsibility. But no family will pay higher tax rates than they would have paid in the 1990s." 7.5 million working mothers will benefit from Obama's tax plan, 7 million seniors won't even be taxed, 10 million homeowners will get a mortgage tax credit, and he will work to close those loopholes that have Republicans worried. Only the top 2% of households would see an increase, and even then it would only be an increase of 3%- living in the middle class, working in the middle class, and raising my children in the middle class- I'm in favor of tax reliefs for the majority and against the wealthiest of Americans getting all the tax breaks.


I guess I am turning into a Liberal- definitely good to know!


Lowering taxes for the wealthy is a Republican thing. They have been getting tax breaks while the rest of the economy is suffering and it's not fair. Shouldn't the MAJORITY reap some of the benefits? Republicans seem to believe you just have to "work harder" to get out of poverty and break the cycle. Well guess what? They are blind and have never been in a situation like that- it's not as simple as that. It's nice to be among the privileged in our country. My mother was on welfare and I still had my needs met. I was able to attend a good college because I had the opportunity to think only about MYSELF and MY future. Many never get that chance. Many can't afford to go to college and NOT be supporting their brothers and sisters. I could go on and on. But yes, I am a Liberal.


I believe in equal rights for women. I believe in equal rights for gays and lesbians. I believe in the redistribution of wealth. If I suddenly make over $250K in one year, guess what? by all means, the government can take their fair share because I have been blessed enough to make a decent income. I am willing to share that wealth because it truly benefits us all. One way or another, we will be spending our money on the poor and underprivileged; either through welfare, education tax credits, medicaid/medicare, orphaned children, or prisons. Either way I am willing to share my money for the greater good of this nation and I trust our President to do it. I don't however have that much trust in the American people- given what they have shown over the past two years in preparing for this election!


And one more thing- I don't want my taxes continuing to fight a useless war; one that can't be "won". I'm ready for my friends' husbands to return home and start focusing on OUR COUNTRY. Indeed I am a Liberal.


And I studied anthropology for 5 years. I learned tolerance. I learned acceptance. I learned we don't live in an Utopian society. I learned that in a true democracy all members of the society have equal access to power (right now those who have the money have all the access) and that all members enjoy universally recognized freedoms and liberties (right now those freedoms and liberties are not available to ALL AMERICANS). So many people have this belief that unrealistic ideals can be achieved through capitalism, commercialism, and exploitation (often of intangible goods like "happiness" or at the expense of those living below the poverty level). My mom was on welfare while we were living in Oklahoma. I grew up on food stamps. And we consider ourselves BLESSED that a government program was available to help. My dad left. My mom started working two jobs. I was a latch key kid. My brother got a job to help my mom pay the bills. DO YOU THINK WE DESERVED THAT?! and we were one of the lucky ones.


So YES- I will allow the government to take my money and distribute it to the places they deem worthy and necessary. And while I disagree with the war, if my President chooses to continue spending trillions of dollars and thousands of American lives in the name of "democracy" in a foreign country that has not been changed in over 2,000 years then I will allow it because he is our President. I still believe in our government. And I choose to support a candidate who has the greatest chance of changing corrupt government and shifting the focus back to Americans.


And while I'm at it...here are my thoughts on Prop 8:


I feel marriage should be sanctioned by religious affiliations and that the government should STAY OUT OF IT completely. We should all be entered into a "domestic partnership" with our mates as far as the law is concerned; however that is not the case as the government MAKES it their business to spell it out for us. And since the government makes it their business, they have an obligation to be fair and to give equal access to all members of society and to allow ALL members universally recognized freedoms and liberties as well as equal protections and sanctions (which are currently not available to ALL AMERICANS).


People are being discriminated for the type of lifestyle they choose to live. It wasn't that long ago that interracial (sp?) marriages were illegal and highly denounced publicly at best. Our country is founded upon "liberty and justice for all". Does "separate but equal" racial laws not ring a bell? 1,138 rights are given to heterosexual married couples, same sex domestic partnerships leave out a GREAT DEAL of those rights and must be (and have been) fought for one bill at a time. Bottom line, Prop 8 writes discrimination against one group of people into our US Constitution and regardless of my religious beliefs, that is still wrong.


**wow that feels good to get all my thoughts out "on paper"! I realize people feel just as strongly in the opposite direction, and by all means, I support your decision. However my own conscience tells me to vote for Barack Obama and that is exactly what I will do! (and you better do the same for the candidate you deem most qualified to handle the position!)


GET OUT AND VOTE!


**and if my mumbling was too boring- check out what Crazy Beautiful has to say regarding the issue (don't worry, it's a short post!)

So far I've been both AWARDED and BOOed

I'm so confused. Rocket Girl thinks I'm worth "wasting her time" and Sher thinks my blog should be "boo-ed". I've added both ummm...awards on my sidebar.

thanks girls for thinking of me!
xxoo

Good to Know I'm Still 29!

What's My RealAge?

Calendar Age
30.3
Difference
-0.6
RealAge
29.7

• Review your eating habits


• Do more cardio


• Hang up and drive


• Make breakfast a must


• Ease your headaches


• Check up on feeling down

Depression has many causes and solutions. Take the Depression Health Assessment to get a more in-depth analysis about your depression and find some possible solutions. Here’s why: Depression can be a daily struggle. But the majority of sufferers find relief through self-care strategies, psychotherapy, . . . medication, or a combination of these.

4 Ways to Fight Depression

1. Try to unwind. Yoga, meditation, tai chi, journaling, progressive muscle relaxation, deep-breathing exercises, or any hobby that helps you unwind can help with emotional balance.

2. Keep moving. Physical activity helps relieve anxiety and stimulates the release of feel-good endorphins. Eat good food. A nutritious and balanced diet that includes fruit, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein, and low-fat dairy -- and is light on caffeine and alcohol -- helps body and mind.

3. If you take an antidepressant, be sure to get ample amounts of folic acid, which may boost the drug's effectiveness.

4. Get enough sleep. Depression can interfere with normal sleep habits. Aim for 6 to 8 hours a night for optimal health. Try these tips for getting better ZZZs.

• Schedule time for yourself


• Reach out to others

You said that you went through one or more difficult life events in the last year. Unfortunately, they likely made your RealAge older. The good news? Your social support network (family, friends, organized groups) is excellent. To relieve the effects of stressful circumstances, . . . reach out to your network, and keep building connections. If tough times continue to affect your health or happiness, talk to a counselor.

Here’s why: In general, strong social ties help you work through anxiety and can counterbalance the aging effects of stressful events.

6 Ways to Reduce Stress and Tension

1. Try yoga, tai chi, or chi-gong. Or just go for a walk. 2. Meditate, or enjoy some quiet time in nature. This will get you started. 3. Write in a journal, strum a guitar, draw, paint, or do your favorite craft. 4. Spend time with good friends, or give your pets extra love and attention. 5. Listen to relaxation tapes or soothing music. Here’s how rhythms relax you. 6. Watch a funny movie, or engage in any activity that inspires a good belly laugh. Laughter is good medicine!

“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.”~Author unknown

“There is a fountain of youth: It is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”~ Sophia Loren

“Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.”~Adelle Davis, nutritionist

I'm not CRAZY, I'm just a little UNWELL

Finding my Mantra

I need a mantra. I can't sleep. My brain won't shut off at night...and I run around in circles inside my head all night long. My mom said to breathe. 23 times. Nice and slow. Then decide on three phrases that can I can say over and over to reinforce positive and calm thinking...hopefully helping me fall asleep.

"I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected..."

Well that worked for a few minutes. It was calming, relaxing, and I even felt a bit sleepy. Then I needed some more positive reinforcement...so onto the next mantra. Let's see...what will make me feel peace?

"I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I have the Lord's Spirit with me. I am cherished. I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I have the Lord's Spirit with me. I am cherished..."(this is working! I'm loving this mantra!!)

"I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I have the Lord's Spirit with me. I am cherished. I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I have the Lord's Spirit with me. I am cherished..." (cherished. I love that word. this is good!)

"I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I have the Lord's Spirit with me. I am cherished. I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I have the Lord's Spirit with me. I am cherished..." (cherished reminds me of cream roses and the color of gold)

wait a minute...what song is in my head?? what am I humming??

give me faith, give me joy, my boy...i will always cherish you

Cherish!! Cherish!! (80's song by Madonna??!!...Cherish your love!!

damn. there goes my new mantra. there goes my peace. there goes my calm. i'll be up the rest of the morning hours singing "Cherish the thought of always having you here by my side-oh baby I Cherish the joy...I'm always singing it! Cherish your strength. You got the power to make me feel good...."

What? You don't like my depressing post??

Tagged. I assume it's because no one wants to read about how I think we're all going to hell in a handbasket...SOOOO here ya go, Sher!

(in no particular order):

1. I have to brush my teeth after I shower. If I work out in the middle of the day and have to shower...I brush my teeth. If I take a quick "sponge bath" (because let's be honest here...how often do I actually GET to shower in the middle of the day??), I brush my teeth. AND it HAS to be with the Original gel CloseUp toothpaste or my teeth still feel like they're surrounded by morning breath.

2. I hate going upstairs at night. Even though I'm 30 years old now...I still feel like someone is chasing me. I'm grateful my stairs are split now I can check behind me after only 4 stairs one direction and 4 stairs the other. (I also hate going DOWNstairs at night...relive the broken toe incident here).

3. I am a nightowl and I HATE mornings. I get my second wind the instant everyone else falls asleep...so I'm left to entertain myself for hours on end until I finally force myself to go to bed. And by morning I always feel like I have a hangover from the previous night...so my poor children are more than thrilled to leave me and head off to school!

4. I am lazy. I ain't gonna lie. I am selfish and I am lazy. I put off tomorrow (what I know I won't actually do tomorrow) for the simple fact that I don't want to deal with it today. I don't mind that my kids like to watch t.v. while I do something else simply because I WANT TO. My life revolves around...ME. I look at Ms. Sunshine Junie B. Cleaver next door outside playing with her little boy and her little girl fifteenhundred times a day (and walking her spoiled little dog at the ass crack of dawn TWICE around the block) and then only get even more pissed off that I am so incredibly selfish. In fact it frustrates me so much that I grab a Coke Zero and a Hershey bar and tell the kids to "shush so I can read this" and try desperately to block out the butterflies and rainbows that seem to be bursting through my windows from the Cleavers down the street.

5, 6, 7. I can't think of anything else...I'm back in my downward spiral (sorry, Sher!) and there's just nothing else I can add to lighten the mood. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day and I'll feel like updating just a bit...we'll see. For now...Barefoot (this should be interesting!), Rocket Girl, Just Me, and Brandelena- consider yourself tagged. (I don't think it's fair to tag more than 4 since I only gave 4 random answers!)

And Jess- you are tagged too (even though the rest of blogworld can't SEE your answers. I CAN.)

Downward Spiral

It's getting kind of scary around here. Gas shortages in the southeast are literally leaving people stranded on the side of the road. Our Gov. said we "have ample gas and that it hasn't hit the lows that it did after Hurricane Katrina". (Apparently he isn't actually IN georgia!) Ummm...it's a serious issue. Cars are lining the streets leading up to the gas stations, officers are directing traffic and trying to keep the peace, and gas stations are running out of gas the same day they get their shipments. And at $4.39/gallon and limits of $40 per vehicle...that doesn't provide much fuel for someone waiting in line for over 2 hours!!

I know there are other issues going on around the country. The power outages in Ohio left my dad without electricity for 10 days, the hurricanes left Barefoot's kids out of school for weeks. We have an economy that is crashing, (our home equity line of credit was taken away a few months ago because our property has lost value), the never ending war in Iraq is...well, never ending, and the elections are approaching quickly. I fear for either party, regardless of political affiliation. This next president will be leading us down a treacherous path that was put in place 8 years ago by the great George W. And I am scared. We are reaping the fruits of our labors now more than ever and it's only going to continue to get worse.

Cramps.

When having the flu just isn't enough.




*brought to you by the makers of Midol, Motrin, Playtex, and some ancient Chinese home remedy (not yet approved by the FDA) and sponsored in part by the national foundation of women who support the use of birth control but forget to take it regularly and end up with horrible, debilitating cramps every 4-6 weeks.

Discovery and Healing

Anyone who knows me knows how much I HATED high school. I could jump on my soapbox in a heartbeat and rant about how girls can be so mean and boys can be so cruel.

I could tell you how often I was teased about being scrawny, tall, awkward, and flat chested. I could tell you I was the brunt of a lot of jokes but how I laughed them off as though they didn't bother me. I could tell you how my friends used me because I had a car-- how they would invite me to parties JUST because they needed a ride (and even though I knew it somewhere in the back of my head, I still wanted to believe they actually WANTED me there). I could tell you how I lost the one true friend I had in high school because I was always trying too hard to be the aforementioned friend to a group of girls who could care less rather I suffered or not, so long as I was there when they needed me. I could tell you about how desperately I wish I could have that friendship back but pride got in the way until 6 years later, when I finally apologized--but of course it was too late. I could tell you about the girls who hated me and made my life a living hell. I could also tell you my experience in middle school wasn't too far off either.

So for me to actually log onto Facebook and see names and faces of people from my past-- it was surprising to find that I wasn't hurt or angry or even remotely upset. Could this be how I really felt? As I started to look up the names and faces of those I remembered, I began to realize my life was never as bad as I once thought it was. I had so much anger built up (actually "bitterness" is a better description). I harbored so much bitterness and resentment toward those horrible experiences that I let it overshadow my memories of the good times for the past 13-14 years.

And now, over the past 5 short days my history has been rewritten in a much more positive light. I have reconnected with friends from elementary school, college, and even a few from high school. And.I.am.so.happy! I wish I could explain just how cathartic and healing this has been for me...but I can't find the words to do it justice.

All I can say is that this week has truly given me a new perspective on how I view my past. I have some great memories. I have some great friends. And I just might let my girls grow up and attend high school after all.

Little Miss is...

A mom. And now business woman. She's juggling a lot of balls right now.
heehee. i just said balls.

Summer time and sleeping in is now filled with business trips and ballet, chess club and violin, preschool and gymnastics, homework and bath time, checkups and dentist appointments...

And all of these activities have turned her children into little petri dishes!! (or carrier monkeys, you choose) She has been hit with a stomach bug over the weekend, and now she's got the flu! (ok, well maybe it's not "the flu" seeing as how Willy D.O. said it was too early in the season for actual influenza to start hitting) But she feels awful. She feels stoned. She's tired and exhausted but can't sleep. And the world won't stop so she can rest.

bills are due, kids ran out of lunch money

(would have been good to know YESTERDAY),

early release day today (seriously?!), phone calls to make,

birthday party to attend, ballet classes x2,

project for work that can't wait any longer,

and vet appointment for Damn Dog.

one might wonder why it is that a) she's always getting sick and b) that it takes her so long to recover?? then again...one might be stupid.

Sad...

Another hurricane is headed for the wounded New Orleans coastline and I was stuck in the Cincinnati airport yesterday for 5 hours with nothing to do but check the news and watch the weather channel. Between the presidential conventions, the hurricane, and soldiers returning home from Iraq (at the airport!)...I was an absolute wreck! I wrote my thoughts down anyway.

My heart is hurting for the gulf coast right now. My mind is swirling with the future of the United States and our ever so trusting government...and then about five minutes ago I witnessed a young mother and her little girl welcome daddy home from Iraq--someone they haven't seen since December! I cried and desperately tried to get the words "welcome home" out of my chest...but I failed miserably. I'm just an emotional wreck right now.

I've got a lot to be grateful for and counting my blessings only makes me feel even more like crying. I have a good family. I have a good job. I have a bright future with my husband. I have a roof over my head, two cars in our driveway, a checking and savings account at the bank, great schools for my children, new clothes in my closet...and that's only the material part of my life. I know how truly blessed I am in many other ways!
My life is truly BLESSED.

And yet I sit here...
and I cry.
And my heart breaks.
And I relive the worst moments of my life.
Because it's happening again.

only this time I'm not there to help.

10 years. TEN YEARS!

When we first met in college, we were both taking a boring anthropology class called The Comparative Aesthetics of Beauty (aka bizarre course given to a whack job professor so he could work out all of his psychosocial issues and give students college credit for surviving all at the same time). I would peak in the classroom first and if he wasn't there, I'd bail. We managed to meet up one afternoon right before class and decided to skip class and get ice cream instead.

If we actually managed to endure class we would walk home together. I knew he was headed home, and even though I needed to be back up at the library in an hour, I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. Half way home he'd take the road that led to his house and I continued to my apartment. Once the coast was clear, I'd head back up to campus.

A couple weeks later was "A Day" on campus...a day for school spirit, games, ditching classes, and simply celebrating being an Aggie. He said he'd call me. I didn't leave my room all day...just waiting for his phone call. Finally he called and invited me to a party that night- I was ecstatic! We walked over to his friend's house and found a quiet (ish) corner to sit on the floor and chat while everyone else blasted loud music and drank. We were enjoying ourselves. Close to midnight though was the Guinness Book or World Records night on campus for the most people kissing at one time. Still...having NEVER kissed me this whole time...he asked if I wanted to go up to the A (it's a statue where you kiss to become a "true Aggie"). He took my hand and led me up the hill just in time for the 10 second count down. It was amazing! We made it into the world record book and became inseparable from that moment on.

*~Only later did I realize he used to skip class too. If he didn't see me, he'd turn the other way and ditch the crazy psychosocial babbling of Professor Whack job. AND I later found out that he lived in the opposite direction of my apartments--so even though he had to be back to work in an hour (on campus) he would walk me 1/2 way home in the WRONG DIRECTION (when neither of us had a reason to be going home for the day) just so we could spend more time together~*

I'm so glad we figured that out because those walks were always way too short anyway. (Besides we no longer needed the excuse...it was love.)

• I remember our first kiss. A DAY.
• I remember our first fight. PICKING OUT WEDDING INVITATIONS.
• I remember our first walk. TO GET AGGIE ICE CREAM.
• I remember our first date. WATCHING THE JAZZ GAME ON THE BIG PROJECTOR AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE AND FEEDING HIS PIRANHA LEFTOVER STEAK.
• I remember the first time you met my parents. AT A KAO CAMPGROUND NEAR THE CANYON.
• I remember the first time I met your parents. AT THE BIG FAMILY REUNION WITH 50 OTHERS.
• I remember the first night we spent together. CAMPING IN THE BACK OF MY PATHFINDER UP THE CANYON--SNUGGLING TO KEEP WARM. (I slept sooo well, sorry you were so uncomfortable all night!)
• I remember the first day I wore my engagement ring. WE HAD TO DRIVE SEPARATE CARS THROUGH THE CANYONS AND I DROVE WITH MY LEFT HAND FLEXED ON THE STEERING WHEEL SO I COULD ADMIRE IT THE WHOLE WAY HOME.
• I remember the first compliments on my ring. AT THE CHEVRON GAS STATION- THE ATTENDANTS FELL IN LOVE WITH IT AND THEN NEARLY FELL OVER WHEN I TOLD THEM I HAD IT LESS THAN AN HOUR!!
• I remember our first night in Park City. IT STORMED. LOTS OF THUNDER AND LIGHTNING! IT WAS AN AMAZING NIGHT!
• I remember the first time I farted in front of you. THE FIRST MORNING OF OUR HONEYMOON-YOU HEARD IT FROM THE SHOWER--impressive. (you on the other hand farted in front of me when we were still dating- in the truck with no one else to blame)
• I remember our first pillow fight. IT WAS ON OUR HONEYMOON AND YOU KNOCKED MY ASS RIGHT OFF THE BED (AND YOU WERE SOOO PROUD OF YOURSELF!)
• I remember the first time I talked to your sister on the phone. SHE WAS TRYING TO REASSURE ME THAT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH ME AND WANTED TO MARRY ME (this was two nights before you proposed).
• I remember our first (of MANY) roadtrips. DRIVING OUR U-HAUL FROM SALT LAKE CITY TO IOWA (AND YOU TURNED LEFT FROM A LANE YOU "THOUGHT WAS A TURNING LANE"--almost crashed us!)
• I remember the first time we moved. YOU HAD NO IDEA HOW WEAK I REALLY WAS-- TRYING TO GET ME TO MOVE FURNITURE DOWN INTO A BASEMENT APARTMENT?? (you wised up and and put an empty box over my head)
• I remember our first "cell phone". EACH OF US HAD A PAGER FOR $9.95/mo AND BEGAN THE 9999999- i love you PAGES.
• I remember the first time I told you we were pregnant. I INSISTED ON MEETING YOU ON CAMPUS BEFORE YOUR NEXT CLASS- you were so cute and so happy.
• I remember our first Lamaze class. CHECK INTO CASH! HAHA.
• I remember the first piece of jewelry I gave you. A NECKLACE TO REMIND YOU OF ME...where the dolphins go.

watching Beavis and Butthead reruns, watching a year of Mad About You, then a year of Dharma and Greg, and a year of Will and Grace (a theme maybe?) rollerblading in the library parking lot, rescuing Reggie from the garbage truck (our tall potted tree we managed to sneak into our basement apartment), going to the Dairy Barn for ice cream, picking up bricks and rocks on our walks, feeding the ducks and daring ourselves to have sex in the park (never happened), daring ourselves to go skinny dipping in the public pool (we actually did that one), eating dinner on the floor of our apartment (or on grandma's coffee table), shit break- yes I'd have to take the bus home during school, alex and izzie (our two beautiful Siamese cats), roadtrips to New Mexico and Utah and back again, going to the movies, watching Crank Yankers, meeting at my little chinese fast food restaurant beside campus- Happy China...

happy 10th anniversary.

it's been worth every minute.

i love you. and i love our life together.

This is ME at 30

1. Cream is my favorite color, especially that cream with a hint of sparkles...it's just gorgeous. In fact my heaven isn't white- it's cream. It's cream and it's beautiful.
2. I like road trips. I wear only pj's and flip flops, sunglasses and no bra. I think it's funny to "get dressed" when you're just going to be sitting in a car for 12 hours!
3. I truly hate to fly. It's become so annoying to me these past few years. Doesn't matter if I'm flying alone or with my family, I still feel claustrophobic and anxious (not about crashing or terrorism, just the fact that I am forced to be stuck in one spot for a certain number of hours and can't change my mind).
4. I don't drive in the rain. Hydroplaning in college was enough to scare me for life. I don't like driving in heavy traffic either. I'm just not used to it. I don't like it.
5. After a lifetime of daydreaming about "the beach", I've learned that I don't really like anything about the beach (other than the idea of course). The salt water tastes bad and dries out my skin and all the sand...ugh!
6. I miss my grandparents. Picking peas in their garden or riding my grandpa's 10 speed around the circle drive and chasing the many kittens that kept repopulating every spring.
7. I don't think I'm as afraid of death as I used to be...now I'm just more afraid of leaving my children without a mother.
8. I love my calling in church. I teach Sunday School and it forces me to learn more about the scriptures. Teaching makes me happy.
9. I sing a lullaby to my kids every night before they go to sleep. I wrote it for my first when I was pregnant with my last. I wanted her to have some tangible memory of childhood, something that only mommy could give her. And now it's become mommy's lullaby for all three of them. I cherish those moments.
10. Napping is one of my favorite past times. I love to crawl under my covers and snuggle down in my bed, knowing that I get to do something just.for.me.
11. I still don't fall asleep well at night. I bet I was born a night owl (and I'll die a night owl). It's just in my blood, not my fault.
12. My parents are amazing. Every day I realize what a huge responsibility it was to raise me and I'm in awe of all the little things they did to do it so well.
13. I want to be like my mom-- she's my best friend. I can't explain that bond. It just IS and I could never live without her. EVER.
14. I want to be like my dad when I grow up too-- he's my Yoda. His advice is always exactly what I need to hear (which is usually the same thing I already know but need him to be the one to say it). Every major upset in my life has ALWAYS been calmed by my daddy. I'm his little lovergirl.
15. I love to take pictures. I'm not good at "photography" but I really love to record our life in pictures.
16. I never write in my journal anymore. It was my thing all throughout high school and college, but I've just outgrown the "why me? I need to write it all out before I can sort through any of it" phase of my life. I have no desire to go back.
17. I don't enjoy going to the movies anymore. It makes me feel as though I'm being transported out of this life for a couple hours and then being slammed back into reality when it's over. It causes me to ponder my own mortality way too much.
18. I don't watch t.v. very often anymore, but that tends to fluctuate depending on the season. It just isn't a "must" for me as it has been in the past.
19. I love getting new makeup and a new haircut. It's such fun to constantly reinvent myself; I do it as often as I can.
20. I love pajamas. Good pajamas, comfy pajamas.
21. I don't like to wear shoes when I drive. I love shoes but I don't like wearing shoes, it's all just for show. Shoes are an accessory, like jewelry and unless there's anyone else you need to impress, ya just don't wear it. Except my wedding ring, of course. I NEVER take it off. I love my ring. It is perfect for me and I NEVER want anything different.
22. Kittens and puppies are the sweetest things in the world...just like babies (I only wish they could stay that little forever).
23. I love the smell of rain and fresh cut grass.
24. I love the feel of humidity early in the morning. (I miss Louisiana.)
25. I'm addicted to my cell phone. It's my lifeline, my camera, my planner, my little black book, my companion-- I feel lost and naked without it.
26. I love my daughter's American Girl doll. I encourage her way too much but it's like being a child again. The excitement of a new doll--and not just any doll. A special doll!
27. I'm not good at keeping the house clean. I'm not good at keeping my life or my mess organized. Clutter continues to rule around here but I'm a perfectionist about my projects. Go figure.
28. I can't sing. I can't dance. But I love to do both when I'm alone or when I'm with my kids. I can pretend I'm a rock star when they are around!
29. I still have my passion for medicine, though it has been muted for the past several years. I'll get back to it one day. I no longer fear that all is lost.
30. I can sleep. I can dream. I can laugh and I can cry. I can get angry. I can get depressed. I can scream. I can pray. I can lock myself in my room. I can be happy. I can be grateful. And I can appreciate my beautiful life.
    
    
    I don't know what time I was born. For some reason it DOES make a difference. I know that I'm now less than 24 hours away from no longer being 29 and I'm scared. I wasn't anxious about this until now. Right now. I'm not afraid of getting older...I'm only afraid of no longer being in my twenties. What now? It's the monster at the end of the book. I know it's just me (and that it's not really "the end") but I still don't want to leave 29 and I'm still scared.

"Tough shit and happy birthday!" (awe...I love you N8! Thanks for making me laugh when all I thought I could do was cry.) You are the best at knowing just how to make me smile. XXOO

July 10th is a great BIRTH DAY

Just Me changed her password sometime over the past six months...

so I was unable to hack into her blog! Why would she do that?

She's in labor right now. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. It looks like c-section might be next on the agenda for her little man.

I love you JM and can't wait to meet that baby boy!! xxoo

***Update***

baby was born this morning! C-section. I'll write more when I have more details. for now I'm just throwing myself a pity party that I don't get to be there...

My new CRACK

(or marijuana...however you choose to look at it)

I'm so over television. A series on DVD and a husband out of town for the weekend. Season one, disc one. Season one, disc two. Season two, disc one. Season two, disc two. Season three, disc one. Season three, disc two. Season three, disc three.

Our A/C has been gone for over one month now!!

Seriously. NO AIR.

I'll download pics tomorrow to prove it. We are in georgia HELL.

and this is the only song helping me sleep tonight...

Kicked my TRASH

The perk of joining a gym? You get a personal trainer for a month. The drawback of joining a gym? You get a personal trainer for a month! And if you are 4 minutes late for your first appointment he'll say, "little miss, you're gonna get your trash kicked"!

and guess what? It was garbage day.

***********************************

On the plane ride home (more on that another time) I contemplated my life. Mainly accountability...over the past 6 months I have employed others to keep me accountable for my own responsibilities. Seriously.

• house cleaner: every other week (keeps me on track w/ putting things away, doing laundry, and picking up after the kids and myselft)
• organizer: every other week (keeps me on track w/ eliminating clutter, keeping my house in order and tidy)
• trainer: to kick my ass and tone my muscles
• exercising: membership at The Gym so I can be active and healthy

So let me get this straight:

In order to have a home that is clean and organized and a body that is tone and healthy I have to PAY.OTHER.PEOPLE?? Somehow my accountability in this life is seriously codependent!

*and yet I can't do it on my own- I'll always need a mentor (or a muse)!

Is Crop Dusting Illegal??

Our world has been colored GREEN. (neon green, you might call it yellow--but it looks GREEN to me!) It's dust. And it's everywhere.

Apparently it's POLLEN season, which generally lasts an entire month around here! Allergies are painful and Zyrtec, Claritin, and all other OTC and prescription drugs are flying off the shelves, which means I have to go to three different drug stores to find the ones right for my son! And then pay $85.

We can't play outside, we can't open the windows, we can't keep things clean, we can't afford any more prescriptions, and we can't breath!!

I'm trying here, PEOPLE!!

*between this and my antidepressants, I just might actually become a decent human being capable of surviving in this world without punching stupid mothers who think they know more about parenting my own children than I do!

Err...something like that anyway.

Sick...very, very sick.

I have three little petri dishes that go to school every day, (ballet, gymnastics, t-ball, and whatever else they can expose themselves to), and then harbor and grow a cocktail of germs and illnesses just waiting to be compounded by one another and then shared with us.

Strep has been confirmed. Enfluenza has been confirmed. Insomnia is at it's best.

N8 has come home early from work twice now (he doesn't take sick days so you know it's bad!) Tiny has missed school all week, Sweetie will have to miss her long awaited Dr. Suess and Pajama Day at school tomorrow, and I will continue to wear my pajama-of-the-week outfit, stained with antibiotics, Motrin, and cough syrup. Oh- and snot, don't forget the snot.

Strep Happens.
Medication Happens.

Enfluenza Happens.

For Everything else, there's the FINGER.

I NEED...I NEED...

FIRST THOUGHT:

OK, I am codependent. I have issues. Though I am trying to define that line between wants and needs, I still like to spend money on clothes and makeup, and I'm always in the market for a new purse or bag. ALWAYS! I think sometimes shopping can be a need (like retail therapy after a particularly depressing day) and other times it's just a want (like going to the store and buying something just to make a purchase, not really caring about what I get). And it's hard to set a budget for those situations because if I have it, I'll spend it. If I spend it, I'll end up needing it later. If I don't spend it and I get another allowance, then it will be burning a hole in my pocket and I'll have to blow it at Target just because I can.
bottom line: no budget. no judging.

SECOND THOUGHT:

There is something however that I always NEED--and that is my friends. I NEED them. When life gets hectic and busy and my friends get neglected...my life seems off course. I like to know what's going on, I like to chat, I like to read their blogs and get e-mails and text messages. I like the feeling of knowing someone else cares about what goes on in my life. I need YOU.
bottom line: stay in touch. i'll try harder too.

Now just imagine: Wants and Needs together!!! Anyone wanna go shopping?! ; )
and yes, the title was a plug for High School Musical 2: I need FABULOUS!!

Good to Know (in times of crisis)

I heard I could buy an overstuffed chair for the dog at Costco (seeing as how she always likes to sit on the couch because she can then use the back to support her body all curled up in a little ball)...so I was surfing Costco.com to find said chair. I found it. Adorable and less than $50!! Not bad. Before I checked out though, I noticed all of the search icons at the top of the screen...particularly to the left side of the website...

What's new...Appliances...Auto...Funerals...Furniture...Gifts and Tickets...

WAIT!! DID THAT JUST SAY FUNERALS?? Ummm, yes. Yes it did.
(click)

Go ahead, see for yourself. If you or a loved one dies, tell the others to go cheap and buy in bulk. Perhaps you could also let the mob in on that little secret, might save them a pretty penny or two when trying to dispose of the bodies.

-seriously? a casket from Costco?...S & H charges are covered in the cost, how thoughtful...why not just purchase mine now and store it out back until the time is right to receive my great reward?...we don't have enough furniture in this house, HELL, why not make it part of the sitting room?! Guests will LOVE the idea...wtf?? I need to go to bed.

Umm...I think the Weather is a bit CONFUSED!

It snowed on Wednesday then again today!! And to quote Just Me, I'm not sure but I think hell is finally freezing over!! (not that I think Georgia is a hellish place, but they don't call it HOTLANTA for nothing!)

So of course we spent a lot of time outside in our grossly inadequate gloves, hats, jackets, and tennis shoes so we could build a snowman and take pictures (LOTS of pictures)! The kids were so excited--it was almost magical to them, you could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices. And I never would have believed it was all real unless we had the pictures and videos to prove it! It's been an amazing week!

Ohh How Approriate!!

I'm not sure where to start or which part of the story would be the most entertaining...hmmm
Perhaps I'll give a brief "Cliff's Notes" and go from there.

• Wednesday was a busy, busy day
• Tiny went back to preschool, Mary and I celebrated with pedicures!
• cooked a yummy, yummy dinner (no really, it's true!)
• cleaned the house (and interviewed someone to help me every other week!)
• visited with friends until midnight
• crashed right away
• Tiny came into our room at 3 o'clock in the morning demanding a drink of water
• we refused to get up, so she began to puke...it was LOVELY
• (she really was sick, yes I do feel a bit guilty)
• I was up with her the rest of the night, bathing and puking, rinsing and wiping, then repeat
• I went downstairs to fetch a barf bucket.
• slipped on my pajama bottoms
• caught myself on the banister and let my toes curl under
• and I broke my middle toe!
• MY TINY LITTLE MIDDLE TOE.
• Not worth a damn thing unless it's BROKEN!

• then it's worth ALL kinds of things!! Like walking up and down the stairs, walking to the bus stop, putting on shoes, driving the car (right foot, of course!), standing in the shower, standing to teach Sunday school, sleeping comfortably, getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, having (or NOT having) sex, getting stomped on by little feet or paws throughout the course of a day, going out to dinner with the family and having to walk across the parking lot and then in between tables all squished together, pedicures, shopping or merely browsing through my Happy Place-Target, playing footsie, chasing after the damn dog when she decides to bolt out the front door, rescuing Tiny when she gets stuck between her bed and the wall (a common occurrence), running to catch the phone...

• And let me just tell you this much: IT SUCKS.

*this was the morning after--and now, three days later, the bruising is OH sooo PRETTY! I'll have to upload some more pics, but that would require walking into the other room to retrieve the camera...and well, I'm just not willing to do that at this point in time!

___________________________________________________

UPDATE: (yes, more pictures! this is the only therapy I get!)

*the awful stairs at 3 o'clock in the morning!

I.AM.A.BLOGGER.

I am once again reminded that in order to be a true blogger you must be completely self absorbed. When searching through previous posts from 2 years ago in order to find that really cute haircut...be mindful of those around you.

When they see you laughing, when they see you shaking your head, when they hear you say Oh MY HELL (besides knowing that you are from Utah) they now know you are shallow and self absorbed--so much in fact that you will tune out the rest of the world so you can completely lose yourself in your past musings. They now know you have a serious attitude problem and a tendency to insult others and divulge their secrets,* and they will leave you feeling alone and guilty.

Now I'm not saying you should stop blogging (that would be blasphemy)!! All I'm sayin' is that perhaps you might want to wait until you are surrounded by the privacy of your own home before you start flippin' page loads, revealing yourself to In Real Life friends that could leave you feeling exposed and vulnerable (though they should know by now that you will be blogging about the whole situation an hour later)!!

*But do you think they realize they are no longer safe from the random thoughts that pass through my mind and into the world wide web purely for my own entertainment and self satisfaction? No? OK let's just keep that between us. Thanks.

UPDATE:
After reading your comments, I guess I could just be more specific. After all, it's not like my friend Mary wouldn't know I was talking about her if she read my post!! So here's what happened:

We were at my friend's house getting my hair cut and colored, but I forgot to print out the picture I had in mind. I knew I had a picture on my blog from a couple years ago though, so I began the search while she and Mary chatted over breakfast. Meanwhile I became LOST in my earlier posts...searching for the one with the cute haircut, I kept reading my past musings and completely ignored everyone else! (You have to understand, our kids were there, her kids were there, total chaos and uproar with 5 little kids and a dog; meanwhile I'm just sitting at the computer laughing and having a good time!...don't mind me!) After a while I realized I was the only one there! So after finally finding my picture, and insisting that they come see my blog, my friends seemed a bit...miffed? (in a "roll your eyes" kind of way), and it became clear to me that they sooo do not understand the vanity of a blogger! It takes a special person to be so self-absorbed! : )

A Novel?

So I'm reading this book, "Those Who Save Us," and the story goes back and forth between Germany in the early 1940's and the United States in the late 1990's. The "child," (now a grown woman), begins to remember bits and pieces of her early childhood, mostly from her dreams...but it is amazing to me what children remember and what they completely forget as adults. It got me thinking...

What are some of your earliest childhood memories? I bet they are nothing spectacular or horribly traumatic, right? My memories as a three year old consist of a red door on our old house and fake butterflies on the walls, a blue plastic fridge downstairs somewhere, my mother (a nurse) giving us our immunization shots at home (which I thought was completely normal by the way), once in Oklahoma I remember her wallpapering my room with some girlfriends and I had to stay with a friend the WHOLE.entire.day (it was annoying and made me homesick)...but anything spectacular or traumatic? No.

Once I was old enough to go to school I began to remember my life by grades. Memories of kindergarten, 1st grade, 2nd grade, and so on...with only bits and pieces in between. One particular memory is of my mom helping me get ready for school in the morning. She put my clothes on the heating vent to get warm while she made breakfast, and I wore a blue puffy coat to school that day. Particularly spectacular or horribly traumatic? No.

I remember asking my mom to time me as I ran a circle around the house, practicing for T-ball. I remember sweeping the porch and being afraid of the toads that hid behind the grill. I remember playing with the string from the blinds and teasing my cat. I remember being in the garage as my mom got a pound of ground beef from the deep freezer when a can of juice fell out and landed on her foot- she yelled, and though I knew it wasn't my fault, I apologized for it anyway. Was it anything spectacular or horribly traumatic? NO- but it is a moment I will never forget. I just don't know why.

What is it about a particular experience that forms a lasting memory? I need to know! I worry all the time about the damage I am doing to my kids with the constant mood swings, the ups and downs of depression, my constant fight to find "quiet time" and "leave mommy alone so she can rest" time...how is all of this going to effect my children? What memories will they have of their early childhood when they are 29 years old and reflecting on some book they read spawning a sleepless night filled with worry and dread?? What will my children talk about when they get together 20 years from now and play the "remember when..." game? Will they be talking about their crazy mother and how it's a wonder they all survived without years of therapy?

Will Tiny remember the time I lost my temper because she lost the only picture I had of my grandparents with all three of my children? Will she remember that I completely lost control because it was no where to be found?? Or will she remember the next day, how I tried to comfort her and tell her I was sorry and that it was "no big deal" and that mommy could always get another picture? Will Sweetie remember that I got irritated with her when she couldn't ride her bike without a push? Or that I picked her up late at night and snuggled her, reassuring her that she was the absolute sunshine in my life? Will Bud-duh remember how pissed off I got in the mornings to find he had once again wet his pants and soaked the couch cushions? Or will he remember the lullaby I sang to him every night before he fell asleep?

Perhaps they won't remember any of those things. Perhaps they will only remember the bits and pieces of being a child that make no sense...memories that will have them questioning the reasons behind those lasting impressions years down the road.

And maybe by then I’ll have forgotten the depressing recollections from "early motherhood" and remember only the gratifying facets of raising my children...

Uh OH!!

As you can see...it was time for a change. Subsequently I lost all my links and any extra musings I've acquired over the years! So I will spend the next several days trying to find each and every one of you...but if you feel the need to help me out-- PLEASE leave a comment with your info!

Thanks, you're a real peach!
LOVE YA