Tuesday, September 27, 2005

You Get What You Pay For

I've never been much of a consignment shopper, though my pocketbook is becoming well versed as of late. sidenote, I went with a good friend of mine, and even she doesn't know about this...so please, don't tell her.

We went to a little consignment boutique (that's what they're calling them now, it somehow lessons the blow that you're going to purchase other people's used crap). And after browsing for a few minutes, I realized that I had to use the restroom.

N.O.W.

I hate that feeling. I've heard it said before, and I'll say it again, it's that "gotta find a quick escape route for when I shit my pants" feeling. Ummm... yeah, so I asked the clerk if I could use her restroom. She said, "oh sure, honey, go right ahead. Only Baskin Robins next door flooded because of the storm, and now we can't shut the door. But it's off to the side, and I won't let anybody go back there. Go ahead, darlin'."

Uhhh, excuse me? Did you not just smell that nasty fog emanating from the other end of the store? (You know the one? The kind that initiates the "abort! abort!" alarms in your head?!) This is NOT one of those times where I can just "leave the door open." But now it's too late, she knows I have to use the restroom, and if I say no, she'll know why. And if I graciously accept her offer, then she'll definitely know why! What do I do?!

Well, my twisted guts didn't leave me much choice, I practically ran for the porcelain throne! I tried to close the door as best I could, turned the water on for extra noise...and just PRAYED that the sweet southern lady was too busy helping customers to notice anything ...um, er...unusual?

Do you think she'd notice if I flushed twice?

Needless to say, I tried to play it off as casually as possible. Taking extra time to buy a few more things and doing whatever I could to keep her away from the back! (it was like on Friday, when the dad says, "whooeee! don't nobody go in there for thirty five/forty five minutes!")...not to mention the added stress of distracting my friend so she had NO IDEA what had just happened!

another side note: for those of you who don't know me, I'm like "shit break" on American Pie. Remember, the guy who had to leave school and go home to use the bathroom because he feared doing something awful in public? I have no problems exerting bodily functions when I'm home...I just shouldn't go anywhere without Immodium A.D.

I pray they get that damn door fixed soon.

21 comments:

  1. LOL!!! That is hysterical. You are too funny and yes I know the feeling. However, honey is the worst. I swear, God help us after we eat something out. He is Marc Five with his hair on fire to get home. The kids and I strap in a hold on when we hear Daddy say "Oh CRAP!" LOL!!!

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  2. Too funny! But I totally know what you mean. At work there are two stalls and if someone is in the other stall I'll leave in fear of making a noise while going. I'll dance around the office until I think it's clear to enter again.

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  3. THE OTHER THING THAT EVEN MAKES IT WORSE, IS WHEN AFTER THE STEAM & YELLOW CLOUD SETTLES, YOU FIND THAT THERE IS NO TISSUE ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND IN THE STALL....LOL

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  4. or having it refuse to flush!

    I guess things COULD have been worse after all.

    I'm sorely tempted to tell the story of my friend's visit to Bubba Gump's in New Orleans, but that would be just wrong. Given the topic, just let your imaginations take it from here.

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  5. You are a RIOT! Poor Li'l Miss!

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  6. sooo funny...i've been known to drive home from work because i can feel it coming...

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  7. Oh, That sucks! I cant go in public places or on vacation for some reason. I dont think I went at all when I was on my honeymoon in Punta Cana! It wouldn't come out. I guess my crap is agoraphobic:0)

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  8. LOL... I so understand. My MIL has IBS...one day while shopping, I had to go buy her new pants and underwear because she didn't get there in time...I felt so bad... But we laugh about it now...

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  9. Well you gotta do what you gotta do!!!

    That's why I carry those mini purse air-sprays from Crabtree & Evelyn!!

    Sigh, but still.. my stomach is always trashed. So I understand.

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  10. YOU... Poo'd with the door OPEN?

    YOU??????? I don't believe it! We go to Chicago for an entire weekend and your bowels SHUT DOWN, and don't work again until you are home again. Nope... I don't believe you!

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  11. I am the same way. I won't even go if my husband is upstairs. At least you did not have a 4 year old with you to announce to the whole store that you just pooped!

    http://www.thescanlons.net/weblog/index.php/weblog/embarrassing_moment_of_the_week/

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  12. While I'm not going to comment on the actual story (in my family we don't talk about body parts and functions), but I will make the observations that this is a pretty long list of comments. Says something about your readership, huh?

    P.s. My security word: cuamh

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  13. Wow, I never knew a thing. Nice cover.

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  14. i always get "that feeling" right in the middle of my run after my digestive system gets all jumbled. most of the time it's just gas and i'm able to release the hatchet and feel much better because i'm literally farting every step i take. but sometimes... i'm really rolling the dice because i don't know for sure if it's just going to be gas. what the hell am i going to do when one of these times it's "more" and i'm up on the trail with shit running down my leg? i need an escape plan... like hiding a clean pair of underwear and shorts somewhere on the trail.

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  15. Hahahahahah, man that's funny. I love embarrassing poop stories!

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  16. i know the feeling! at least you survived the ordeal unscatched..

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  17. first time here and i get to read about crap? awesome! :-)

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  18. LOL to Ruben's comment.

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  19. by the way... that iron benny comment? that was actually me. i don't always look to see which name is pulling up when i'm blogging. whoops.

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  20. You have been tagged, come to my site to see what for :-)

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  21. Looks like your cover has been blown. Belle now knows.... LOL!

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Oh come on-- the least you can do is say HELLO!! You didn't come all this way to turn around and walk away, did you? DID YOU??