Friday, September 02, 2005

My Sound Board

I desperately feel the need to reconnect with my life. It's damn near impossible for me to fathom the idea that life is normal. It.Is.NOT. Nearly 300,000 refugees have flooded our towns, and amongst the desperation and surreal tranquility, social unrest is erupting everywhere. You keep thinking that things can't get any worse; that you believe in the hope and trust of the human experience and desperately want to believe that people are good natured with pure intent. You want to believe that we can all come together in a time of crisis. You want to save the world.

After 9-11, there was a feeling of patriotism and honor, even pride in our country for the way we came together and strengthened one another. What do you do, how do you feel when mother nature obliterates lives, homes, businesses, entire towns...? Can you feel pride in the volunteers giving of themselves and their sustenance? Absolutely. Can you feel pride in our government for taking charge and trying to make things right again? Absolutely. Can you feel pride in the fact that people are continuing to suffer, starve, and die while organizations "get their shit together" so they can start helping the situation? Absolutely not.

Things are wrong. I try not to watch the news very much or even listen to the radio because of the absolute heartache I hear. I can't close my eyes on my way to the grocery store and turn my head to the poverty and desperation surrounding me. Barefoot and I have been doing the only thing we can do right now; gathering food, clothing, toiletries, bedding, and anything else people can donate to take up to our church where members are beginning to pour in. They have nothing to go home to. They literally don't have a clue what is to become of their lives at the end of this.
My family is safe. I have a safe shelter overhead. We have food and water. And.I.Feel.Guilty. I look at the people who continue to go to work (nail salons, craft stores, the Ice Cream man , jewelry stores, book stores), and I feel sick. Why?Because it means that people are trying to maintain normalcy. This does not sit well with me. I couldn't take a client in and give them a pedicure or a fancy haircut while others are starving and dying of heat stroke less than 30 miles from where I am! I know it's irrational, but I feel like the world needs drop everything and rescue these people...and ... just, fix it.

I KNOW LIFE NEEDS TO GET BACK TO NORMAL. I know this in my head; my heart just can't grasp it. I am not blaming anyone. I just need to vent. This is the best therapy I can get right now, and I'm going to take full advatage. I apologize for the rambling, but these are the issues I'm trying to deal with. I need to share these thoughts to maintain my sanity.

Keep in mind I never said my thoughts were rational, and in fact, I know that they are even wrong. (no need to correct me) This is just my reality right now, and I'm trying to deal with it the best way I can.

12 comments:

  1. Little Miss -Know that we are still keeping you in our prayers - i wish i could make it better for you. Hang in there - HUGS

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  2. Keep on venting babe, we are all here and all feel the pain, just not as personally as yourself.

    You and all in your state are in our prayers.

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  3. You and everyone else are definitly in our prayers. I was listening to the radio this morning and a women from the govenors office was on, saying we have National Guard on standby right now to bring 1000 people to our state, we have a barrick for them to sleep in, mess hall to eat in, community center, teachers willing to donate time to teach, counslor available for consultation, JetBlue is donating a plane to bring people to us. But the LA government will not respond to our request. It's so sad the unorganization that I see! I don't blame anyone like you said no one expected this to ever happen, and we are all trying to deal the best way we can. I hope that things are okay for you and things can get "back to normal".

    BTW, I have a basement full of clothes, shoes and other stuff from your mom's house that I was suppose to take to DI, would you like me to send them to you?

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  4. I don't think your feelings are wrong in the least. Just watching the news and the awful situation in the south makes me cry every morning. It's heart-warming to hear about all of the help and time you are donating to your friends and neighbors. Keep it up! Without people like you who have a good head on their shoulders, the chaos would be much worse. You are doing all you can, and for that you should feel proud. I know I am. Please let us all know what else we can do to help. I also feel the pangs of guilt for having a home and endless supply of food, but I now realize that guilt will get me nowhere. We all have to step up and do as much as we can, or nothing will ever get done. For everything you are doing, you and everyone else helping are heros. God bless you.

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  5. I SUGGEST YOU REPLACE GUILT WITH GRATITUDE; THAT YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO LEND A HELPING HAND. GUILT SERVES NO USEFUL PURPOSE. I'M PROUD OF ALL YOUR EFFORTS. I FEEL I SHOULD BE THERE TO HELP..LU

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  6. hate to say it, but i agree with the fat, naked, dancing dude who left the feel grateful comment.

    it is so frustrating to be so far away and not be able to do a single thing. sure, we can send money and clothes, but with all of the devastation we see on the news... well, I just feel so helpless (as evidenced by my ranting on my last two posts)

    i wish i was there to help all of these poor people out, especially when i see a lack of organization and "git 'er done" attitude from the government.

    we all wish we could do more. let us know if there is anything else we can do besides pray and donate. we're all at a loss.

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  7. Keep doing what you're doing, feel what you feel and trust there will be time to reflect later. For now and from a couple thousand miles away, I'm grateful people like you and a ton of others are doing what you can to make things better down there.

    And your venting here has served a worthy purpose. Perhaps it's only in a small way, but your thoughts help those of us far away understand, at least a little, the extent of what's happened and what continues to take place. Thanks.

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  8. Who can be rational at a time like this? Can there even be a rational response to something as enormous as this? I think you're having a perfectly sane response to a completely insane situation and we might be better off if more people were doing the same.

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  9. I know exactly where you are coming from. When I have been hit with a personal trial, be it a death in the family or something else, my heart screams to everyone around me. "Don't you see that my life is upside down? Why are you just driving down the street? Is it really all that important for you to go to the mall? Don't you know that this horrible thing has happened?"

    I think that is one of the hardest things about trials, that life goes on. That it HAS to go on.

    I admire that you and Erika are helping out so much. I envy that as well. There is nothing worse than feeling so useless and powerless!

    And to think, Utah, is going to take 1000 people. Gee, aren't we generous. How many refugee's has Texas taken in?

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  10. No, honey - it's not wrong. After the OKC bombing I actually got in my bed and cried for weeks and weeks.. because some of the kids I had before and after school when I taught kindergarten were in that daycare. I will never get over it. I will never get over the fact that this world is a scary place. I will never get used to the fact that there are people who are able to block it all out and exist with empty hearts..

    So maybe it's knowing that there are people like you - people who have hearts that aren't empty.. is a tiny glimmer of hope.

    I wish we could all live in la la land.. and apparently some people do.

    If you need to go on and on and on and on - do it until you can't anymore. I'm listening.

    Hugs.

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  11. I hope you get e mail when these things are sent to you! My prayers are with you. I forget when I logged onto your page that you are there in Louisianna. Wow. The devastation! Best of luck and good wishes to you and your family. I was just signing on to let you know that the annual Western Days weekend in Mustang, Oklahoma is happening next weekend! I'll send pictures! Let me know if you need anything! (You still have my email?)

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  12. Been thinking about you and yours.

    Take care sweetie. No one expects you to be rational right now. Those of us that aren't even as close to it as you are, are having trouble being rational.

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Oh come on-- the least you can do is say HELLO!! You didn't come all this way to turn around and walk away, did you? DID YOU??