Dear department of transportation: YOU SUCK.

When my oldest started Kindergarten, (which made me unhappy to say the least)...the idea of sending her to school on the bus gave me a stomachache. I never thought I would be "that parent" standing out at the bus stop; I hated everything about the idea from the lack of seatbelts to the creepy old men that drove those things. However due to other adorable children (ahem) in our neighborhood, the idea of riding the bus eventually stormed into our household. I fought it for as long as I could, but I did indeed succumb to the beggings of a 5 yr old and allow her to step on that bus.

[Fast forward 4 years] Now all three of the munchkins are in school, and life has become simplified by riding that bus. While I am not happy that our bus route is the first one of the day and the last one in the afternoon, I still try to be grateful for having the capability to rely on public transportation when necessary.

[background info] My kids leave for school at 7:14 a.m. and return home at 2:56 p.m. (note that school is from 8:00 a.m. - 2:20 p.m.), not terrible but my kids are "second load" meaning they are the only route that has to wait until all the kids get dropped off first before being picked up from school (which is an extra 20-25 minutes of waiting). The fact that they have not changed this route in 4 years still pisses me off...my children are away from home much longer than they need to be already and yet they won't rotate the bus schedule so it's at least fair.

[fast forward to today]...imagine my surprise when the bus driver hands us a sheet with "bus stop changes", which also requires our children to be waiting at the corner of the neighborhood 5 minutes earlier than the new time.

OUR NEW TIME?! 7:00 a.m.

So let me get this straight...you already hoard my children before they've even had a chance to really wake up in the morning, you ditch them like leftovers in the afternoon, and now you want to start this whole process 15 minutes EARLIER?!

Look- let me put it this way, Mrs. "thank you for your patience in making this adjustment and ensuring your child's continued transportation needs are met" I have your number on speed dial and you are CRAZY if you woke up this morning thinking today is going to be a good day.

Are you kidding me?

According to this new article Baby, you're home... in the NY Times the National Association of Obstetrics and Gynecology convinced the American Medical Association to join the coalition against home births and in June of this year the AMA made an official statement "condemning home births".

Now I understand the medical community makes a ton of money off everyday, naturally occurring events. However when a naturally occurring event (take POOPING for example) gets hindered in some way, medical attention can help get things moving again (think: stool softener or laxative). If there is a serious condition and the intestines suddenly stop working properly or become perforated in some freak accident, then medical attention is available to help you get your shit together (pun intended, thank you very much). Now why on earth would I feel the need to go to a doctor's office if I suddenly have the urge to poop? Will I feel comfortable going into a sterile environment with monitors and bright lights to allow my body to function properly in front of 4 strangers? Or do you think I'd like to remain within the comforts of my own home?

Until 50 years ago, maternity wards in hospitals were very scarce. Women were giving birth the same way women have been bringing children into this world for the past TWO THOUSAND YEARS. Primitive societies (or those without access to modern medical technology) have much lower mortality rates in mothers and newborns. WHY do you think this is true?

According to the CDC the "leading cause of infant mortality is congenital malformations, deformations and chromosomal abnormalities with a rate of 20.2 percent. Disorders related to short gestation and low birth weight was the second leading cause of death for all infants at 16.4 percent of all deaths. Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is the third leading cause of infant death. Its incidence decreased by about 9 percent, which it has been doing since 1988. The fourth leading cause of death comes under the heading of newborn affected by maternal complications of pregnancy. This rate actually increased from 2001 to 2002 from 37.2 per 100,000 live births to 42.9 per 100,000 in 2002."

Congenital malformations and genetics- will they still exist in a hospital birth? YES. Disorders related to short gestation and subsequent low birth rates- will they still exist in hospital births? YES. And guess what else? If a woman goes into preterm labor then she is sent to the hospital for medical intervention!! SIDS- does this still exist with hospital births? YES. Can it be prevented? NO. Maternal complications of pregnancy? Guess what? Prenatal care and continuous followups maintain the same level of preventative care and awareness that would exist in an obstetrician's office.

So what EXACTLY are you saying about giving birth at home? Genetics? Premature labor? SIDS? Prenatal Complications? But what EXACTLY are you saying about BIRTH?

that's what I thought.

You know how difficult it's been trying to take away womens rights to abortion? Just wait until you see the opposition that will be shoved down your throat when you try taking away womens rights to give birth!!!! You will see less prenatal care because women don't want to risk the state finding out they are pregnant and requiring them to go to the hospital. You will see more babies born on the side of the road or across state borders to avoid your restrictions. You will see mother and infant mortality rates increase dramatically...all in the name of "safety".

Now take your ball and go home- you're no longer invited to play.

Is Crop Dusting Illegal??

Our world has been colored GREEN. (neon green, you might call it yellow--but it looks GREEN to me!) It's dust. And it's everywhere.

Apparently it's POLLEN season, which generally lasts an entire month around here! Allergies are painful and Zyrtec, Claritin, and all other OTC and prescription drugs are flying off the shelves, which means I have to go to three different drug stores to find the ones right for my son! And then pay $85.

We can't play outside, we can't open the windows, we can't keep things clean, we can't afford any more prescriptions, and we can't breath!!

Sick...very, very sick.

I have three little petri dishes that go to school every day, (ballet, gymnastics, t-ball, and whatever else they can expose themselves to), and then harbor and grow a cocktail of germs and illnesses just waiting to be compounded by one another and then shared with us.

Strep has been confirmed. Enfluenza has been confirmed. Insomnia is at it's best.

N8 has come home early from work twice now (he doesn't take sick days so you know it's bad!) Tiny has missed school all week, Sweetie will have to miss her long awaited Dr. Suess and Pajama Day at school tomorrow, and I will continue to wear my pajama-of-the-week outfit, stained with antibiotics, Motrin, and cough syrup. Oh- and snot, don't forget the snot.

Strep Happens.
Medication Happens.

Enfluenza Happens.

For Everything else, there's the FINGER.

Ohh How Approriate!!

I'm not sure where to start or which part of the story would be the most entertaining...hmmm
Perhaps I'll give a brief "Cliff's Notes" and go from there.

• Wednesday was a busy, busy day
• Tiny went back to preschool, Mary and I celebrated with pedicures!
• cooked a yummy, yummy dinner (no really, it's true!)
• cleaned the house (and interviewed someone to help me every other week!)
• visited with friends until midnight
• crashed right away
• Tiny came into our room at 3 o'clock in the morning demanding a drink of water
• we refused to get up, so she began to puke...it was LOVELY
• (she really was sick, yes I do feel a bit guilty)
• I was up with her the rest of the night, bathing and puking, rinsing and wiping, then repeat
• I went downstairs to fetch a barf bucket.
• slipped on my pajama bottoms
• caught myself on the banister and let my toes curl under
• and I broke my middle toe!
• MY TINY LITTLE MIDDLE TOE.
• Not worth a damn thing unless it's BROKEN!

• then it's worth ALL kinds of things!! Like walking up and down the stairs, walking to the bus stop, putting on shoes, driving the car (right foot, of course!), standing in the shower, standing to teach Sunday school, sleeping comfortably, getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, having (or NOT having) sex, getting stomped on by little feet or paws throughout the course of a day, going out to dinner with the family and having to walk across the parking lot and then in between tables all squished together, pedicures, shopping or merely browsing through my Happy Place-Target, playing footsie, chasing after the damn dog when she decides to bolt out the front door, rescuing Tiny when she gets stuck between her bed and the wall (a common occurrence), running to catch the phone...

• And let me just tell you this much: IT SUCKS.

*this was the morning after--and now, three days later, the bruising is OH sooo PRETTY! I'll have to upload some more pics, but that would require walking into the other room to retrieve the camera...and well, I'm just not willing to do that at this point in time!

___________________________________________________

UPDATE: (yes, more pictures! this is the only therapy I get!)

*the awful stairs at 3 o'clock in the morning!

Why Today is SUCH a Bummer!

I had this great plan--a super FANTASTIC plan--I wanted to have all the details arranged so that when I presented the idea to my husband, he'd have no choice but to agree. One slight problem: we both had plans for the same day, only his couldn't be cancelled. I bet you're dying to know what it is, huh? Well...

I was planning a trip back to Louisiana to visit Erika for her birthday and spend the rest of the weekend partying at Hooter's, leaving all munchkins and cherubs with an unsuspecting, underpaid and overworked babysitter, inspecting the latest additions to her house, gossiping over plain Hershey bars and York Peppermint Patties, laughing about the latest S****isms, running through the Supertarget in barely-there t-shirts without bras and spending money we don't have, jumping on the trampoline to see who will wet their pants first, yelling at Murphy the Dumbass Wonder Dog to get his ass back in the backyard, yelling at the cherubs to get THEIR asses back in the gate, sweeping the kitchen floors, farting in front of Jacob just to see his priceless reactions, going to Wal-Mart at 2 o'clock in the morning to get tampons and chocolate (we're always on the same schedule), IM'ing each other from the front room to the bedroom ---think dirty thoughts and it's even better, and hours spent calling each other "cold hearted bitch" and "overly sensitive girly-girl" (betcha can't guess which one is which!)...and going absolutely everywhere completely barefoot!

**here's the REAL clincher--**

my husband has to go to Louisiana for a dissertation review for one of his former students!! Guess where he'll be staying?? (Erika, even though technically you're not speaking to me, can he please crash at your place and save us the $80 for a hotel room that we can't afford? hmmm?? pretty please??? I'll be your best friend!?!)

* * * * *

ERIKA--I love you. With all the warm-hearted super fuzziness shit you hate, I LOVE YOU. I'm sorry I can't be there for your birthday, but I'll make it up to you. Actually, you're still going to have a good time. I'M the one who is going to be lonely and homesick...just do me one favor? Save the smack down until I can get there and back you up, K?! C'mon, I deserve a seat on the front row, you KNOW I do.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEAVIS!

Bellsouth SUCKS old and shriveled dirty, sweaty balls!

I am not kidding. Sorry but they are money whores. I didn't realize that a past due balance of $7.56 would get my service disconnected (and that I couldn't simply add it to my bill that's due on March 1st). Now I get to pay a $3.95 service fee and a $20 reconnection fee, plus my OUTSTANDING unpaid past due balance of a whopping $7.56!

Bellsouth, I hope you burn in hell one day for all the misery you cause your customers.

Battle Sites and an All Out WAR

I guess you could say my bathroom hiatus was not due to food poisoning (see previous post). It was, in fact, caused by a stomach virus. How do I know? Gee, why don't you ask my husband? Or my oldest daughter? And while you're at it, pray to the good Lord above that the younger ones won't have to answer that question!!

It has been World War III around here. The husband has been quarantined to our room, losing his own battles. And while I take care of Sweetie, all night long*, my stomach threatens to oblige. The poor little girl is such a trooper when it comes to being sick. She never complains, just surrenders herself to the illness and allows it to take hold without ever once flinching. (And it's heartbreaking for me to watch; besides, I am the world's biggest baby when it comes to throwing up--with three pregnancies, there are plenty who will back me up on this one!)

I must say...having the family sick causes me to go on a cleaning/sterilizing/disinfecting rampage, my skin is cracked and dry from all the scrubbing and chemicals and laundry, BUT my house is clean...which is such a nice feeling, especially in the midst of the arching puke battle sites left on the bathroom walls and the splattered toilet bowls...

*why must these things always happen at night? it's bad enough that our freedom from the bathroom is being taken away, but to hijack our sleep as well is simply below the belt--


UPDATE-- Tuesday morning

I didn't even have time to publish this post before my son got sick. I cannot express how pissed off I am. He cannot handle being dirty or sticky or wet; it freaks him out. And he's not potty trained, so I'm waiting for THAT bomb to hit. What sucks is that just yesterday he had such an amazing day...ending in him being dry for over 2 hours and going pee pee in the potty like a big boy!! (He was in underwear all day, we went through 8 changes of clothes--you don't understand, for him to stay dry is HUGE!). He was learning. He was finally catching on--then he went to sleep and BLAM, he had to get sick. He wouldn't throw up in a bucket or the sink, so we had to let him do it on the floor then simply clean it up. I lost count after 9 times...

I haven't had any sleep. I'm beginning to feel like a resident; working your ass off practically free of charge while being sleep deprived and hungry and absolutely NO TIME for yourself. I don't even know who I am right now.

My house is clean though, I guess that's a bonus.

Warning: Don't read this if you might puke

other titles considered for this post:
1.Why I'm not a fan of CHUNKY twice baked potatoes.
2.I have been run over by a train and then blasted with its laser beams! (Monsters, INC?)
3.Leave me Alone to Die (Lilo and Stitch?)
4.Just call me Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off:
Cameron: [singing] When Cameron was in
Egypt's land..."let my Cameron go!"
5.Burning ring of FIRE!
6.An entire roll of toilet paper gone in ONE night!
7.I look like shit (and probably smell even worse!)

I have been puking while ON the toilet since Wednesday night! I can only assume the cream cheese or sour cream whatever sugar cookies I ate gave me food poisoning (it's the only thing I ate that the others didn't--mostly because I didn't want to share! HA.) But that night...my stomach started to hurt. I knew I needed to throw up. Finally I barfed up the ham and twice baked potatoes I had for dinner, and let me just tell you--you think it's bad to conjure up an image from my writing?? Try LIVING it! It was so thick and chunky; it wouldn't stop! I didn't breath for an eternity just trying to empty my stomach! I was shaking so bad when I finally stopped--

But you'd think it was over, right? Ah NOPE! I threw up 4 more times that night, and what didn't come up, went down and seriously painted the bowl NASTY. By 5 a.m. I was puking green bile out my nose! (which burned like a mother **, let me tell you!) I spent the rest of the day either on the bathroom floor with my pillow and blanket or on my bed with a barf bucket.

My poor children didn't even get to school yesterday because I could NOT be off the floor (or out of the bathroom) for more than a few minutes at a time! How was I supposed to get them dressed, fed, and into the carpool lanes at two different schools without losing some precious electrolytes?!

I don't believe there will ever be enough Gatorade in this world to replace what I lost over the past 36 hours. I managed to get the kids to school today, but I feel as though I have been run over by a dump truck after running a marathon (two things I've never done, but if I did--THIS is how it would feel.)

I had no idea that 36 hours could suck the life right out of you.

Now I know.

Homeowners ASSociations

I am NOT a fan of organizations such as these...ones who tell me what color I can and cannot paint my house, ones who tell me what color is required of my mailbox, ones who tell me what is allowed to be visible from the front of my house and what is not...

--why then do I not have to get approval for my window treatments? (You never know, Fusia may become the new slate gray, I'm just sayin...) OH, because that is on the INSIDE of my house, you say?...HMMM...then why do you get to tell me what I can and cannot put on the INSIDE of my garage?!

I hate little discrepencies like these, and the only people making the "official decisions" on these matters are my neighbors--retired marines who have been doing the same thing, making the same decisions for generations--and other neighbors who are too chickenshit to stand up for what they really want!

Hence, you are now looking at a member of the board of directors! That's right. I was voted in last night, and I jumped right in! You should have heard the heated debates that were taking place--it was awesome! And GET THIS!!--I was NOT the one fueling the fires...they were already lit. As secretary, it was merely my job to keep our meeting on task and take notes; however I do get a vote and that's all I want.

My.Voice.Will.Be.Heard.

and

I GET A VOTE!

Stupid Billing Offices and Ant Invasions

Today is NOT starting off well. No, not at all. I paid a medical bill over the phone about 10 days ago, keeping track of my checking account down to the last dollar (and I mean down to the last dollar in our possession), making sure we wouldn't go over our available balance. WELL, this stupid company processed my payment TWICE. That's right, two times they sent it through the system, dragged my account overdrawn, and I got charged $109 in fees!! WTH?! They now say they will refund the money, but they aren't cutting a check until Friday. Why not put it directly back into my account?! They had no problem taking it out!! GRRR. I am so PISSED.

And to top it all off (besides the fact we are all still sick and trapped inside this house TOGETHER 24 hours a day, going on 7 days a week now!!), is the fact that our house is being invaded by ants. Ants in our shower, ants in the bathtub, ants on the floor, ants in the kitchen, ants in the pantry, ants on the countertops...I have called our pest control company out here 7 different times to solve this problem, and I've seriously had better luck with my $7 can of RAID.

*to the ants: i know you are smarter than we give you credit for. i know you can smell a dog's crumb from 1/4 mile away. i know you scout for food and then share it with your colony. i know you don't have to live in soil to survive. i know ALL these things. but i am begging you...get the HELL OUTTA MY HOUSE! You sure as hell don't pay the mortgage around here, you don't contribute to your own weight's worth of food, you don't even have respect for the kitchen table! So until you move out, i will continue to come after you with my can of Whoop Ass!!