Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Somber Moods

So this is my second attempt. (The power keeps going out and threatening my sanity.) Despite the downed powerlines, trees, and fences, we all fared rather well. (btw, Barefoot's hurricane party wasn't as fun as she made it sound...apparently she can't kick Katrina's ass.) It looks like someone scattered confetti of leaves, branches, shingles, and misc. debris across our streets and yards. Nothing that a rake and a few nails can't fix.

I wish we could say the same thing for New Orleans. I don't feel like myself. My heart just aches for those who are still trying to survive through the aftermath. It is absolutely devastating. Please continue to keep your thoughts and prayers with them. While the historical city (now 80% underwater) can be rebuilt or fixed, those lives lost cannot be replaced.

And while I do have some good stories and pictures to share, I am in mourning. And until my absorption with MSNBC, CNN, and Fox News subsides...my mood will continue to be somber and reserved. It was comforting to know you were all concerned about us, and as soon as I can form a coherent thought, I'll post again.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Can't Help Myself...

I feel the need to blog about this damn hurricane that is now beginning to show it's ugly face on the coast. Hopefully, we're far enough inland to avoid the "catastrophic damage" the news has been predicting. We are however under a tornado watch until Monday night. Are we safe from the hurricane? yes and no. Though our area has not been asked to evacuate, many homes are boarded up, grocery stores and gas stations are empty, the freeways are gridlocked, and the icecream truck just drove down my street! WTH? Ok, now THAT was surreal.

There is just something so somber about all of this. It's as though we're watching a really bad trainwreck in slow motion...a 36 hour trainwreck, and there's nothing you can do about it until the damage has been done and you can go in and repair it. We'll probably be without power and water for a day or two (quite possibly longer), but we have the things we need. (At least, I think we do. We've never been through a hurricane before.)

I'm fed up with the anticipation of it all.
Hell hath no fury like mother nature.

Katrina, bring it on...Bitch.


So, I got this idea from soapbox.SUPERSTAR (Saturdays Sundries) ...and decided it's a great way to share my *LEFTOVERS* with everyone.

*little snipits not worth an entire entry, but worth saving as a draft for the moment you think it might possibly become blogworthy...and after weeks of no such luck,stumble across the perfect way to have your cake and eat it too. Yum, cake. I love cake. *

Can You Tell Me?
I hate it when I put something important in a "safe place" so I won't lose it, only to find out that I can't remember where that safe place is.

Quote for the day...
Adam Carolla (sp?) said, "my body is so hairy that wiping my ass is like getting peanut butter out of shag carpet."

Why I Hate Pull-ups # 41
When you take off the pull-up (even if you tear the sides instead of pulling them down), you roll it up, set it aside, and continue to wipe and change the bum. Makes sense, right?

Ha! The Pull-up has no fasteners to keep it from UNROLLING! And when it does, you can bet there will be rollie pollie turds all over your hardwood floors. Then you must get a pooperscooper (tissue) to go behind the Pull-up (waste of money) that was supposed to go behind the butt (cute little thing anyway) resulting in too much work!! Potty training sucks.

Good To Know #58
It's always a good idea to make sure there is a valve secured tightly in the sippy cup BEFORE giving it to your baby.

Today's Laugh...
Brought to you by http://www.mylifemycard.com/mylifemycard.html?celebId=ellend&moduleId=dancemachine

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Sex Camel Talk

For those of you needing clarification on the sex camel discussion taking place around here, check out the post and comments by Kelli Belly.

On a related topic, I heard this chick on MTV's Date My Mom saying, "as long as the drapes match the carpet, I'm happy...that is, if there is carpet." wth?! I am so over MTV.

Sticking with the theme we've got going here...
my friend once told me (after she had been married for over a year) that she was SO depressed because it was the first night they had gone without sex since they got married!! I was floored. Seriously. 365+ days of sex? Am I the only one who feels this is a bit disturbing?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Totally Worth It

The $12 cover charge for a girl who doesn't drink. The smoke filled bar. The three drunk freshmen at the front fighting for front stage. The guy who asked me what I did for a living (followed by beer out the nose when I told him I was a SAHM). The country boy just there to enjoy the show. Barefoot in the background watching me and laughing her ass off (thanks for the support). The roadie jammin' up front. The beer spilled down my back. The guy who's hand I had to slap ("mom" role kicking in). The opening band #1. Totally rocked. The opening band #2. Totally entertaining.

And then... Kevin Martin. (former lead singer of Candlebox)
Thanks for the beautiful voice. Thanks for the eye candy.

It was all TOTALLY worth it.
(Listen here, or here or here, or maybe just here.)

My self esteem point system

2 points for getting carded at the door.
1 point for getting a glance behind the girlfriend's back.
4 points for getting offered a drink.
1 point for drunk guy #1 saying to his buddy, "she's hot."
-1 point for being called a _____, for making him put the beer DOWN.
5 points for guy hitting on me and asking rather personal questions.
(bonus 2 points for him acting as my body guard the rest of the night.)
10 points for Kevin Martin looking right at me and saying,
"and you're gonna get more, baby."
6 points for him shaking my hand during his last song.
8 points for him signing my cd after the show.
10 points for that smile as I walk away.
If you want more details, you'll have to ask Barefoot (as I clearly only remember the whole night as one hazy dream!)

That's a total of 48 points to get me through tomorrow's diaper changes, wet beds, canine piss on the bedroom floor, piled up laundary, screaming toddlers, unshaved legs, realizing I am no longer 16 years old, and my never ending saga of the flat mormon butt syndrome.

When I reach 500, I'll have successfully become Keira Knightly. (she's hot)

Sunday, August 21, 2005

A Sad Day

It was a sad day in the Little Miss household on this, the 21st day of August, 2005. It is the day that will forever be known as the day we buried those fallen victims of The Canine. The massacre was horrendous, and we just pray we can move on with our lives now that the victims have been properly laid to rest.

"I left my Cinderella on the livingroom floor, and Damn Dogg ate her. I am sad," said an eyewitness to the crime as she lovingly stroked Cinderella's hair for the last time.

As we picked up the carnage and vowed justice...our heads hung low. With a renewed committment to keeping the toys picked up, we look forward to moving past this awful event and hope for a better future.

In loving memory: cinderella (age 6 months), Nelly (age 2 months), Eeyore (age 10 years), Simba and King Mufasa (age 10 years), purple ball (age 2 years), Cookie Monster (age 10 years), bathtub frog (age 1 year), little people leopard (age 18 months), Noah's bird (age 18 months).

Friday, August 19, 2005

Growing Pains

I'm sorry to admit, but the time has finally come.

I had to have the "it's not ok to fart in front of your brother's speech therapists during a grown up planning meeting at the kitchen table" talk with my four year old.

...you should have seen the disappointment in her eyes.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Gee Thanks, Loriloo.

I've been tagged by The Manager ; ) to list 10 turn ons and 10 turn offs. But rule #1, you are not allowed to be turned on or off by my list, and if you are, please refrain from telling me about it. Rule #2, I am allowed to change this list often. Rule #3, though I have a natural talent for making anything sound dirty...this is not one of those times. And Rule #4, Just Me, Belle, Holli, and Wendi...You're next! (yes, even if you have done it before, you have just been tagged again!)

Things that turn me ON:

1) when my husband wears his tight black shirt, a little cologne, and has five o'clock shadow.
2) hearing my name said in a sweet, sentimental type way. I love my name, but I hate it when someone yells it...oops, that's a turn off, i'll save that part for later.
3) chocolate! anything chocolate!
4) a nice, hot bath with candles and no kids....(ahhhhh)
5) driving a Mitsubishi Eclipse convertible Spider through the canyon
6) music (the type depends on my mood)
7) honesty and true friends (you know who you are!)
8) flowers
9) shopping!! (I love a good spending spree at Target!)
10) clean sheets

BONUS: Keira Knightly...she's hot.

Things that turn me OFF:

1) spilled milk. I hate spilled milk. I hate spilled sour milk even worse.
2) sticky. I hate sticky.
3) spam. I HATE spammers! GET OFF MY SITE!
4) forwarded e-mails when they never bother to keep in touch otherwise.
5) people signing me up for "free offers", etc. because it benefits them.
6) anonymous comments
7) RUDE and judgemental people; hypocrites
8) fidgeting, people who fidget drive me crazy...they make ME restless!
9) B.O.--nothing nastier!
10) saying my name in a mean or disappointed way...makes me sad.

BONUS: when I get the living shit scared out of me. (sorry, i tried to write "bejeebers" but there are times when only "shit" will suffice.) I hate it when people jump out and yell "BOO!", especially if they reach out and grab me! Or if it's followed by a comment about reptiles! YOU MEAN PEOPLE SUCK.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Do you ever leave comments on someone else's blog that just cracks you up inside? And you wish you could just copy and paste them onto your own blog so others could join in the fun?

It's like a really, REALLY good fart, and you're the only one around to hear it. Makes you want to look around and say, "did you just hear that?!!"

And in leiu of body humor, today's laugh will be brought to you by nytro. (unless of course, she tells me to delete the link! LOL)

Monday, August 15, 2005

The Seven Year Stretch

August 14th was our seventh wedding anniversary. SEVEN YEARS! It's crazy to think how much time has passed. (What freaks me out more than being married for that long, is the fact that it was more than seven years ago that I was in college!) Am I getting old?

I just wanted to show a little public display of affection to my sweet husband, who always puts up with my whining and tears, and still manages to laugh with me when I screw up. While at work, he's only a phone call away to take the edge off my day, and when he comes home, he's there to take the kids off my hands. He's an amazing father. I watch the way is interacts with our children, and my heart melts. The only thing sweeter than hearing him say that he loves me is hearing "I love you, Daddy" spoken to the one who holds my heart so close.

Thank you for loving me. (my hand's placed securely over my heart)

Friday, August 12, 2005

Let It Be Known #23

Let it be known that if a 2 1/2 yr. old boy smacks his head directly into your right temple, it will cause a pain so severe that it will shoot through your head, down your neck, and leave your ear aching to be put out of it's misery.

And 12 hours later, your head will still be throbbing.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Monkey's a Climber

"look at me, mommy, I'm SOOOO big!"


btw, I never did find the diaper.

"uh-oh, my mommy's coming..."

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Ultimate Fight Club

What's better than watching boys in banana hammocks performing sexually insinuating moves while rolling around on the mats, getting cauliflower ears and rug(less)burns on their knees...?
There is something grotesquely intriquing about this.

The only published rule? NO EYE GOUGING! What kind of sport has it's only rule as no eye gouging?? What the hell?! How about these: can you bite? can you fart on his nose? can you strangle him? can you kick him in the nards? can you pull his hair? can you stick your finger in his ear? can you hock a loogie (sp?) in his mouth? The answer? "As long as there's no eye gouging."

10 Things Not Worth Having

1 *Dishes NOT dishwasher safe.
2 *A phone without caller ID.
3 * A car with no stereo.
4 * Dial-up.
5 * Mac-n-cheese out of a box.
6 * Socks. (the damn dryer eats them)
7 * Unsharpened pencils .
8 * Cherry Starbursts.
9 * Anything dry-clean only.
10 * A list of 10 things not worth having.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Don't Make Me Pull Over!

Oh yes I did! I found myself pulling over on the side of the Highway because my kids were outta control! (I swore that I would never do that...and I lasted four years, doesn't that count for anything?!)

Resuming our drive home, I realized that the $20 bill I had on my lap was no longer on my lap. (so what if I was still in pajamas and had no pockets?) Looking frantically around, I had somehow forgotten about the pull-over-get-out-of-the-van-and-*beat*-the-kids-into-submission-ordeal until several miles later.

Then it dawned on me. I was being punished for turning into my mother.

[insert "stare intently with a scowl on my face until they calm down" *here*]

Said To Me This Morning

1) Outside...

husband: "Ugh, what is THAT smell??"
me: "I don't know, but it smells AWFUL."

a minute later

me: "What is all of this crap?" (pointing to a mound of sticks, branches, leaves, and grass)
husband: "It's ....[squinting one eye and flinching] ah....for my compost heap when I build one."

2) In the livingroom while changing a poopie diaper

me: "Damn Dogg!! [the dog], GIT! GIT! GIT! GIT! GIT!"
my 4-yr. old: "...outta mom's way."

Innerspace or Hypochondriac?

If you've seen "Innerspace" (1987), then you'll understand what I'm talking about in this post. If not...don't go see it. (It's not worth it.)

Editorial ReviewsAmazon.comDistractingly loose but clever, this 1987 comedy by Joe Dante (Gremlins, Matinee) stars Martin Short as a hypochondriac and Dennis Quaid as a miniaturized test pilot who is accidentally injected into him. Taking a page or two (or a hundred) from the classic science fiction movie Fantastic Voyage, Innerspace details the adventures of traveling through the human body's complicated systems, though in this case, it proves an unusual way for two characters to forge a bond. Dante's endless imagination goes into overdrive here, but the film is more gimmick than anything else and ultimately feels a bit hollow. Fans of Short or Quaid might like it more than most, though Dante's hardcore fans will also appreciate seeing his stock players Dick Miller and Kevin McCarthy. --Tom Keogh

For the past 4-5 hours, I have felt like something was attacking my eye! I have a sharp and aching pain behind my right eye, which I can only imagine is some little innerspace vehicle trying to communicate with me. (This is where having seen the movie would actually be helpful.)

If I start hearing voices, I'm checking myself in.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Taking Time for Myself

I set up a timeblog in addition to this one. I want to start keeping better track of our mornings. I usually can't account for the time between when the kids get up in the mornings and when they go back down for naps. It's hard to keep a schedule because my munchkins are all under the age of four. I figure this will be a good way to keep me focused each day. And though I can't budget my checkbook for the life of me, I'm going to attempt to budget my time (according to priority, of course) which will tend to shift from day to day, but here's to good intentions, right?

One problem. I had planned on using a standard chart to track my time and a column for each of the kids. Obviously, I can't do that on here. Any suggestions? I've made a link to my timeblog just so you can see what I'm talking about. (I realize it's a boring website; no need to state the obvious.)

btw, it has already been brought to my attention that adding another blog to curb my current blog addiction is indeed counterproductive. Again, no need to state the obvious.

Today's LaughWill Be Brought To You By: Petroville.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Apparently Monkeys Aren't The Only Ones Who Fling Poo

Yes, in fact, I hear one-year olds can do it too.

If I *heard* the story right, then I'd say when the mommy went in to get the baby from her crib this morning, there was an awful stinch. Upon approaching the monkey in her cage, the mommy noticed turds flung about in random fashion, smeared on her blankets and stuffed animals. And upon further examination saw the flat and bumpers covered with urine.

Once the animal was out of her entrapment, the mommy noticed no diaper...ANYWHERE. Now, if the monkey had a diaper on last night when she went to bed, and there was (obviously) NO SIGN of the said poo catcher in the morning, then where in the hell was it?!

eye witnesses say the monkey just brought the mommy an empty banana peel. (My guess is that it's with the diaper.) I blame Barefoot for this.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Dedicated to My Mom

This post is dedicated to my mom. She is living in Perth, Australia for the next two years serving a mission for our church. She has only been gone since May, but I miss her like crazy. I am really proud of her. She is an amazing woman, and I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a wonderful mother and friend.

I love you, Mom.

p.s. The clock is a little token to remind me (and the rest of blogworld) where you are, and how much you are loved. (Thanks Barefoot for setting that up for me, your HTML - ly challenged alter ego.)


This Is What Happens at Little Miss's Imaginary House:

Cross dressers AND hooker flappers!

AND underage vices galore! OH MY!

This is just to prove Little Miss IS my imaginary friend.

Barefoot Rules

Friday, August 05, 2005

Ok Damn Dog

1) Get OFF the Table! You are a DOG, not a cat, not a human...but a DOG! A canine!

2) Don't sit there on the couch chewing on something every time I turn my back and pretend that I don't know. Don't look at me with those houndpuppy eyes and think that I don't know that you're "secretly" chewing on nemo, or cookie monster, or a LittlePeople noah's ark animal!


It's Gettin' Hot in Herrr....

I have no idea what's going on today! Either it's too damn hot outside, and our A/C can't keep up, or it's just HOT IN HERRR...and we have to call Mr. Barefoot to come rescue us!

Serioulsy, I'm all but birthday-suitin' here (and trust me, that's NOT a pretty site). My kids are all taking their naps in a diaper or underwear only, and my dog just did THE MOST D-R-A-M-A-T-I-C "oh, I fell over from pure heat exhaustion, must have water and die" flop to the floor. She's now panting like a sick sealion in heat (no, I've never heard a sick horny sealion, but if I did, I bet I know how it would sound.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit in a bathtub full of ice to cool off, as my greatest fear of living in the South is slowly coming to pass...


the heat is really gettin' to me. send reinforcements. fast.

A Bad Sign.

You know it's a bad sign when your daughter rushes into your room in the morning and says, "mommy! don't get up yet. There's a big mess in the livingroom!"

(A FOUR year old's version of a mess, think about it, people!)

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Help! There's a stow-away on My Site!

So I cannot figure this out!

I have a link to Daily Dancer on my blog. When I clicked on it this morning, it pulled up humanfauxpas.com I looked on my template, and the address is right, http://www.dailydancer.com/. And yet, when I click on it, a completely different site comes up! My blog has been hijacked! I just want Daily Dancer back!

any suggestions?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I Turned OLD on Saturday

I flew home for a weekend reunion, and Saturday was my birthday.

We were at the park, and I wanted to swing with my little cousins. I hopped on, and as I was swinging, I thought, "this is WAY more fun than I ever remembered!" I was just swinging back and forth, back and forth, reliving my childhood, carefree days of summer....back and forth, back and forth, higher and higher...

Then suddenly...omg, I'm gonna HURL! Quick, how do you stop this thing?! Put my feet down? Oh, slam! That's NOT the way to stop! (Now I'm swinging side to side, the chains are getting twisted, and I'm desperately trying to slow down.) Trying not to laugh at myself, I remembered that we used to JUMP out of the swings. I'm gonna puke, so here goes...

I jumped. I fell on my face. My world was spinning. I was nauseous. The earth continued to feel like the great ocean blue, wave upon wave of sickening "splendor" for the next two hours. I decided that day that I had indeed "turned old."

happy freakin' birthday to me. I am definitely too old for this crap.