Downward Spiral

It's getting kind of scary around here. Gas shortages in the southeast are literally leaving people stranded on the side of the road. Our Gov. said we "have ample gas and that it hasn't hit the lows that it did after Hurricane Katrina". (Apparently he isn't actually IN georgia!) Ummm...it's a serious issue. Cars are lining the streets leading up to the gas stations, officers are directing traffic and trying to keep the peace, and gas stations are running out of gas the same day they get their shipments. And at $4.39/gallon and limits of $40 per vehicle...that doesn't provide much fuel for someone waiting in line for over 2 hours!!

I know there are other issues going on around the country. The power outages in Ohio left my dad without electricity for 10 days, the hurricanes left Barefoot's kids out of school for weeks. We have an economy that is crashing, (our home equity line of credit was taken away a few months ago because our property has lost value), the never ending war in Iraq is...well, never ending, and the elections are approaching quickly. I fear for either party, regardless of political affiliation. This next president will be leading us down a treacherous path that was put in place 8 years ago by the great George W. And I am scared. We are reaping the fruits of our labors now more than ever and it's only going to continue to get worse.

Cramps.

When having the flu just isn't enough.




*brought to you by the makers of Midol, Motrin, Playtex, and some ancient Chinese home remedy (not yet approved by the FDA) and sponsored in part by the national foundation of women who support the use of birth control but forget to take it regularly and end up with horrible, debilitating cramps every 4-6 weeks.

Discovery and Healing

Anyone who knows me knows how much I HATED high school. I could jump on my soapbox in a heartbeat and rant about how girls can be so mean and boys can be so cruel.

I could tell you how often I was teased about being scrawny, tall, awkward, and flat chested. I could tell you I was the brunt of a lot of jokes but how I laughed them off as though they didn't bother me. I could tell you how my friends used me because I had a car-- how they would invite me to parties JUST because they needed a ride (and even though I knew it somewhere in the back of my head, I still wanted to believe they actually WANTED me there). I could tell you how I lost the one true friend I had in high school because I was always trying too hard to be the aforementioned friend to a group of girls who could care less rather I suffered or not, so long as I was there when they needed me. I could tell you about how desperately I wish I could have that friendship back but pride got in the way until 6 years later, when I finally apologized--but of course it was too late. I could tell you about the girls who hated me and made my life a living hell. I could also tell you my experience in middle school wasn't too far off either.

So for me to actually log onto Facebook and see names and faces of people from my past-- it was surprising to find that I wasn't hurt or angry or even remotely upset. Could this be how I really felt? As I started to look up the names and faces of those I remembered, I began to realize my life was never as bad as I once thought it was. I had so much anger built up (actually "bitterness" is a better description). I harbored so much bitterness and resentment toward those horrible experiences that I let it overshadow my memories of the good times for the past 13-14 years.

And now, over the past 5 short days my history has been rewritten in a much more positive light. I have reconnected with friends from elementary school, college, and even a few from high school. And.I.am.so.happy! I wish I could explain just how cathartic and healing this has been for me...but I can't find the words to do it justice.

All I can say is that this week has truly given me a new perspective on how I view my past. I have some great memories. I have some great friends. And I just might let my girls grow up and attend high school after all.

Little Miss is...

A mom. And now business woman. She's juggling a lot of balls right now.
heehee. i just said balls.

Summer time and sleeping in is now filled with business trips and ballet, chess club and violin, preschool and gymnastics, homework and bath time, checkups and dentist appointments...

And all of these activities have turned her children into little petri dishes!! (or carrier monkeys, you choose) She has been hit with a stomach bug over the weekend, and now she's got the flu! (ok, well maybe it's not "the flu" seeing as how Willy D.O. said it was too early in the season for actual influenza to start hitting) But she feels awful. She feels stoned. She's tired and exhausted but can't sleep. And the world won't stop so she can rest.

bills are due, kids ran out of lunch money

(would have been good to know YESTERDAY),

early release day today (seriously?!), phone calls to make,

birthday party to attend, ballet classes x2,

project for work that can't wait any longer,

and vet appointment for Damn Dog.

one might wonder why it is that a) she's always getting sick and b) that it takes her so long to recover?? then again...one might be stupid.

Sad...

Another hurricane is headed for the wounded New Orleans coastline and I was stuck in the Cincinnati airport yesterday for 5 hours with nothing to do but check the news and watch the weather channel. Between the presidential conventions, the hurricane, and soldiers returning home from Iraq (at the airport!)...I was an absolute wreck! I wrote my thoughts down anyway.

My heart is hurting for the gulf coast right now. My mind is swirling with the future of the United States and our ever so trusting government...and then about five minutes ago I witnessed a young mother and her little girl welcome daddy home from Iraq--someone they haven't seen since December! I cried and desperately tried to get the words "welcome home" out of my chest...but I failed miserably. I'm just an emotional wreck right now.

I've got a lot to be grateful for and counting my blessings only makes me feel even more like crying. I have a good family. I have a good job. I have a bright future with my husband. I have a roof over my head, two cars in our driveway, a checking and savings account at the bank, great schools for my children, new clothes in my closet...and that's only the material part of my life. I know how truly blessed I am in many other ways!
My life is truly BLESSED.

And yet I sit here...
and I cry.
And my heart breaks.
And I relive the worst moments of my life.
Because it's happening again.

only this time I'm not there to help.

10 years. TEN YEARS!

When we first met in college, we were both taking a boring anthropology class called The Comparative Aesthetics of Beauty (aka bizarre course given to a whack job professor so he could work out all of his psychosocial issues and give students college credit for surviving all at the same time). I would peak in the classroom first and if he wasn't there, I'd bail. We managed to meet up one afternoon right before class and decided to skip class and get ice cream instead.

If we actually managed to endure class we would walk home together. I knew he was headed home, and even though I needed to be back up at the library in an hour, I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. Half way home he'd take the road that led to his house and I continued to my apartment. Once the coast was clear, I'd head back up to campus.

A couple weeks later was "A Day" on campus...a day for school spirit, games, ditching classes, and simply celebrating being an Aggie. He said he'd call me. I didn't leave my room all day...just waiting for his phone call. Finally he called and invited me to a party that night- I was ecstatic! We walked over to his friend's house and found a quiet (ish) corner to sit on the floor and chat while everyone else blasted loud music and drank. We were enjoying ourselves. Close to midnight though was the Guinness Book or World Records night on campus for the most people kissing at one time. Still...having NEVER kissed me this whole time...he asked if I wanted to go up to the A (it's a statue where you kiss to become a "true Aggie"). He took my hand and led me up the hill just in time for the 10 second count down. It was amazing! We made it into the world record book and became inseparable from that moment on.

*~Only later did I realize he used to skip class too. If he didn't see me, he'd turn the other way and ditch the crazy psychosocial babbling of Professor Whack job. AND I later found out that he lived in the opposite direction of my apartments--so even though he had to be back to work in an hour (on campus) he would walk me 1/2 way home in the WRONG DIRECTION (when neither of us had a reason to be going home for the day) just so we could spend more time together~*

I'm so glad we figured that out because those walks were always way too short anyway. (Besides we no longer needed the excuse...it was love.)

• I remember our first kiss. A DAY.
• I remember our first fight. PICKING OUT WEDDING INVITATIONS.
• I remember our first walk. TO GET AGGIE ICE CREAM.
• I remember our first date. WATCHING THE JAZZ GAME ON THE BIG PROJECTOR AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE AND FEEDING HIS PIRANHA LEFTOVER STEAK.
• I remember the first time you met my parents. AT A KAO CAMPGROUND NEAR THE CANYON.
• I remember the first time I met your parents. AT THE BIG FAMILY REUNION WITH 50 OTHERS.
• I remember the first night we spent together. CAMPING IN THE BACK OF MY PATHFINDER UP THE CANYON--SNUGGLING TO KEEP WARM. (I slept sooo well, sorry you were so uncomfortable all night!)
• I remember the first day I wore my engagement ring. WE HAD TO DRIVE SEPARATE CARS THROUGH THE CANYONS AND I DROVE WITH MY LEFT HAND FLEXED ON THE STEERING WHEEL SO I COULD ADMIRE IT THE WHOLE WAY HOME.
• I remember the first compliments on my ring. AT THE CHEVRON GAS STATION- THE ATTENDANTS FELL IN LOVE WITH IT AND THEN NEARLY FELL OVER WHEN I TOLD THEM I HAD IT LESS THAN AN HOUR!!
• I remember our first night in Park City. IT STORMED. LOTS OF THUNDER AND LIGHTNING! IT WAS AN AMAZING NIGHT!
• I remember the first time I farted in front of you. THE FIRST MORNING OF OUR HONEYMOON-YOU HEARD IT FROM THE SHOWER--impressive. (you on the other hand farted in front of me when we were still dating- in the truck with no one else to blame)
• I remember our first pillow fight. IT WAS ON OUR HONEYMOON AND YOU KNOCKED MY ASS RIGHT OFF THE BED (AND YOU WERE SOOO PROUD OF YOURSELF!)
• I remember the first time I talked to your sister on the phone. SHE WAS TRYING TO REASSURE ME THAT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH ME AND WANTED TO MARRY ME (this was two nights before you proposed).
• I remember our first (of MANY) roadtrips. DRIVING OUR U-HAUL FROM SALT LAKE CITY TO IOWA (AND YOU TURNED LEFT FROM A LANE YOU "THOUGHT WAS A TURNING LANE"--almost crashed us!)
• I remember the first time we moved. YOU HAD NO IDEA HOW WEAK I REALLY WAS-- TRYING TO GET ME TO MOVE FURNITURE DOWN INTO A BASEMENT APARTMENT?? (you wised up and and put an empty box over my head)
• I remember our first "cell phone". EACH OF US HAD A PAGER FOR $9.95/mo AND BEGAN THE 9999999- i love you PAGES.
• I remember the first time I told you we were pregnant. I INSISTED ON MEETING YOU ON CAMPUS BEFORE YOUR NEXT CLASS- you were so cute and so happy.
• I remember our first Lamaze class. CHECK INTO CASH! HAHA.
• I remember the first piece of jewelry I gave you. A NECKLACE TO REMIND YOU OF ME...where the dolphins go.

watching Beavis and Butthead reruns, watching a year of Mad About You, then a year of Dharma and Greg, and a year of Will and Grace (a theme maybe?) rollerblading in the library parking lot, rescuing Reggie from the garbage truck (our tall potted tree we managed to sneak into our basement apartment), going to the Dairy Barn for ice cream, picking up bricks and rocks on our walks, feeding the ducks and daring ourselves to have sex in the park (never happened), daring ourselves to go skinny dipping in the public pool (we actually did that one), eating dinner on the floor of our apartment (or on grandma's coffee table), shit break- yes I'd have to take the bus home during school, alex and izzie (our two beautiful Siamese cats), roadtrips to New Mexico and Utah and back again, going to the movies, watching Crank Yankers, meeting at my little chinese fast food restaurant beside campus- Happy China...

happy 10th anniversary.

it's been worth every minute.

i love you. and i love our life together.

This is ME at 30

1. Cream is my favorite color, especially that cream with a hint of sparkles...it's just gorgeous. In fact my heaven isn't white- it's cream. It's cream and it's beautiful.
2. I like road trips. I wear only pj's and flip flops, sunglasses and no bra. I think it's funny to "get dressed" when you're just going to be sitting in a car for 12 hours!
3. I truly hate to fly. It's become so annoying to me these past few years. Doesn't matter if I'm flying alone or with my family, I still feel claustrophobic and anxious (not about crashing or terrorism, just the fact that I am forced to be stuck in one spot for a certain number of hours and can't change my mind).
4. I don't drive in the rain. Hydroplaning in college was enough to scare me for life. I don't like driving in heavy traffic either. I'm just not used to it. I don't like it.
5. After a lifetime of daydreaming about "the beach", I've learned that I don't really like anything about the beach (other than the idea of course). The salt water tastes bad and dries out my skin and all the sand...ugh!
6. I miss my grandparents. Picking peas in their garden or riding my grandpa's 10 speed around the circle drive and chasing the many kittens that kept repopulating every spring.
7. I don't think I'm as afraid of death as I used to be...now I'm just more afraid of leaving my children without a mother.
8. I love my calling in church. I teach Sunday School and it forces me to learn more about the scriptures. Teaching makes me happy.
9. I sing a lullaby to my kids every night before they go to sleep. I wrote it for my first when I was pregnant with my last. I wanted her to have some tangible memory of childhood, something that only mommy could give her. And now it's become mommy's lullaby for all three of them. I cherish those moments.
10. Napping is one of my favorite past times. I love to crawl under my covers and snuggle down in my bed, knowing that I get to do something just.for.me.
11. I still don't fall asleep well at night. I bet I was born a night owl (and I'll die a night owl). It's just in my blood, not my fault.
12. My parents are amazing. Every day I realize what a huge responsibility it was to raise me and I'm in awe of all the little things they did to do it so well.
13. I want to be like my mom-- she's my best friend. I can't explain that bond. It just IS and I could never live without her. EVER.
14. I want to be like my dad when I grow up too-- he's my Yoda. His advice is always exactly what I need to hear (which is usually the same thing I already know but need him to be the one to say it). Every major upset in my life has ALWAYS been calmed by my daddy. I'm his little lovergirl.
15. I love to take pictures. I'm not good at "photography" but I really love to record our life in pictures.
16. I never write in my journal anymore. It was my thing all throughout high school and college, but I've just outgrown the "why me? I need to write it all out before I can sort through any of it" phase of my life. I have no desire to go back.
17. I don't enjoy going to the movies anymore. It makes me feel as though I'm being transported out of this life for a couple hours and then being slammed back into reality when it's over. It causes me to ponder my own mortality way too much.
18. I don't watch t.v. very often anymore, but that tends to fluctuate depending on the season. It just isn't a "must" for me as it has been in the past.
19. I love getting new makeup and a new haircut. It's such fun to constantly reinvent myself; I do it as often as I can.
20. I love pajamas. Good pajamas, comfy pajamas.
21. I don't like to wear shoes when I drive. I love shoes but I don't like wearing shoes, it's all just for show. Shoes are an accessory, like jewelry and unless there's anyone else you need to impress, ya just don't wear it. Except my wedding ring, of course. I NEVER take it off. I love my ring. It is perfect for me and I NEVER want anything different.
22. Kittens and puppies are the sweetest things in the world...just like babies (I only wish they could stay that little forever).
23. I love the smell of rain and fresh cut grass.
24. I love the feel of humidity early in the morning. (I miss Louisiana.)
25. I'm addicted to my cell phone. It's my lifeline, my camera, my planner, my little black book, my companion-- I feel lost and naked without it.
26. I love my daughter's American Girl doll. I encourage her way too much but it's like being a child again. The excitement of a new doll--and not just any doll. A special doll!
27. I'm not good at keeping the house clean. I'm not good at keeping my life or my mess organized. Clutter continues to rule around here but I'm a perfectionist about my projects. Go figure.
28. I can't sing. I can't dance. But I love to do both when I'm alone or when I'm with my kids. I can pretend I'm a rock star when they are around!
29. I still have my passion for medicine, though it has been muted for the past several years. I'll get back to it one day. I no longer fear that all is lost.
30. I can sleep. I can dream. I can laugh and I can cry. I can get angry. I can get depressed. I can scream. I can pray. I can lock myself in my room. I can be happy. I can be grateful. And I can appreciate my beautiful life.
    
    
    I don't know what time I was born. For some reason it DOES make a difference. I know that I'm now less than 24 hours away from no longer being 29 and I'm scared. I wasn't anxious about this until now. Right now. I'm not afraid of getting older...I'm only afraid of no longer being in my twenties. What now? It's the monster at the end of the book. I know it's just me (and that it's not really "the end") but I still don't want to leave 29 and I'm still scared.

"Tough shit and happy birthday!" (awe...I love you N8! Thanks for making me laugh when all I thought I could do was cry.) You are the best at knowing just how to make me smile. XXOO

July 10th is a great BIRTH DAY

Just Me changed her password sometime over the past six months...

so I was unable to hack into her blog! Why would she do that?

She's in labor right now. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. It looks like c-section might be next on the agenda for her little man.

I love you JM and can't wait to meet that baby boy!! xxoo

***Update***

baby was born this morning! C-section. I'll write more when I have more details. for now I'm just throwing myself a pity party that I don't get to be there...

My new CRACK

(or marijuana...however you choose to look at it)

I'm so over television. A series on DVD and a husband out of town for the weekend. Season one, disc one. Season one, disc two. Season two, disc one. Season two, disc two. Season three, disc one. Season three, disc two. Season three, disc three.

Our A/C has been gone for over one month now!!

Seriously. NO AIR.

I'll download pics tomorrow to prove it. We are in georgia HELL.

and this is the only song helping me sleep tonight...