Do You Ever Make Up Scenarios?

so, Daydreaming...do you ever make things up, such as what you would say if ...x,y, z happened?

There was this mean lady at the electronics department at Wal-mart last night, checking my groceries [--yes you heard me right, GROCERIES, because the manager thought that I was cute and told me I could pay for my stuff in electronics department because there was no wait], who put both gallons of my milk in the same bag, refused to double bag it b/c after all, "this [was] the electronics department not the grocery aisle", so when I got home to unload my groceries, I picked up the bag of milk.

I was just waiting for it to bust...meanwhile, I'm thinking to myself, "if this back rips, two gallons of milk are going to come crashing to the ground..then I'll tell that stupid lady I want her to get on her hands and knees and LICK up all the spilled milk off the ground in my carport and then I'm going to blog about it..." as my stream of consciousness continues...I'm thinking, "i wonder if others make stuff up before it even happens, I should definitely blog that and see what they think..." (minor sidenote, no one has garages in the South, so don't say anything about me being a red neck or white trash, though I do tend to go braless, wear my bathrobe or pj's for as long as humanly possible, and let my children run around in just a diaper!)


My milk made it to the fridge without incident.
Damn. I guess I don't have anything to blog about after all.

You Get What You Pay For

I've never been much of a consignment shopper, though my pocketbook is becoming well versed as of late. sidenote, I went with a good friend of mine, and even she doesn't know about this...so please, don't tell her.

We went to a little consignment boutique (that's what they're calling them now, it somehow lessons the blow that you're going to purchase other people's used crap). And after browsing for a few minutes, I realized that I had to use the restroom.

N.O.W.

I hate that feeling. I've heard it said before, and I'll say it again, it's that "gotta find a quick escape route for when I shit my pants" feeling. Ummm... yeah, so I asked the clerk if I could use her restroom. She said, "oh sure, honey, go right ahead. Only Baskin Robins next door flooded because of the storm, and now we can't shut the door. But it's off to the side, and I won't let anybody go back there. Go ahead, darlin'."

Uhhh, excuse me? Did you not just smell that nasty fog emanating from the other end of the store? (You know the one? The kind that initiates the "abort! abort!" alarms in your head?!) This is NOT one of those times where I can just "leave the door open." But now it's too late, she knows I have to use the restroom, and if I say no, she'll know why. And if I graciously accept her offer, then she'll definitely know why! What do I do?!

Well, my twisted guts didn't leave me much choice, I practically ran for the porcelain throne! I tried to close the door as best I could, turned the water on for extra noise...and just PRAYED that the sweet southern lady was too busy helping customers to notice anything ...um, er...unusual?

Do you think she'd notice if I flushed twice?

Needless to say, I tried to play it off as casually as possible. Taking extra time to buy a few more things and doing whatever I could to keep her away from the back! (it was like on Friday, when the dad says, "whooeee! don't nobody go in there for thirty five/forty five minutes!")...not to mention the added stress of distracting my friend so she had NO IDEA what had just happened!

another side note: for those of you who don't know me, I'm like "shit break" on American Pie. Remember, the guy who had to leave school and go home to use the bathroom because he feared doing something awful in public? I have no problems exerting bodily functions when I'm home...I just shouldn't go anywhere without Immodium A.D.

I pray they get that damn door fixed soon.

Random.

K, saw this at Life Is Nuts! It's just so perfectly random!

1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

My sentence:
"2! That's TWO dunks in the bathtub"

Seems like we were counting with Sesame Street. The funny thing is this (before Nytro's post) came from soapbox.SUPERSTAR and her sentence was about sick kids. I'm convinced we watched the same episode! Those who want to add to the randomosity, please share with the rest of us.


btw, Nytro...I've been having trouble accessing your site lately: WTH? LOL.

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Mom, She Won't Leave Me Alone!

Rita! You are a bitch. (man, I've waited a long time to say that!) There must be some storm deity out there just toying with us.

I can see it now, Heavenly Storm Mother, her voice like piercing winds howling at her little storm shits:"Katrina, stop pouring water out of the tub! People are dying! and Rita, watch where you step! That'll leave a stinch for hundreds of miles!"

Meanwhile the girls are in the back yelling, "Mom! Are we there yet?! I can almost taste the oil refineries!," or (my personal favorite), "Mom! Pull over, I think I just shit all over the Gulf Coast!"

LEAVE US ALONE!

~to those in the storm's direct path, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

we will all be here waiting to help you put your lives back together, i promise.

Got Any Gum?

I was talking to my friend the other night (and this may get a little crass, so shield your eyes), she told me about her friends at the gym.

A girl came into the gym and told them about her night. She was pissed because late at night, the phone rang. Her husband said, "I got it, it's for me." She said, "no, it's not, it's for me." He said, "what ya wanna bet?" She said, "I'll give you a blow job if it's not for me." She answered the phone and said, "shit," (handing the phone over to her husband) who then said, "I told you it was for me, I just paged the guy two minutes ago!"

Overhearing this conversation, another girl at the gym said, "why did you bet him a blow job? I'd have just bet my husband a stick of gum or something."

Since then, it's been a running joke. "I asked my husband last night if he wanted a piece of Juicy Fruit." or "C'mon, give me some of that Hubba Bubba!" or "can I kiss those Chiclets...with my Extra flavor?"

Check out the benefits of gum! (click here)

"Orbit: For A Good Clean Feeling, No Matter What"
"Freedent: Non-Stick Chewing Enjoyment"
"Winterfresh: Where icy cool breath is always on."

Or you could join the Wrigley's Oral Health Care Network...

What would you take?

The Wal-Mart store in uptown New Orleans, built within the last year, survived the storm but was destroyed by looters.

"They took everything. They took all the electronics, the food, the bikes," said John Stonaker, a Wal-Mart security officer. "People left their old clothes on the floor when they took new ones. The only thing left are the country-and-western CDs. You can still get a Shania Twain album."
source

At least Louisianans haven't lost their taste in music! C'mon, giggle with me, I could use the laughter.

------------------------------------------------------------
Heard on a local radio station today:

some politician mumbo jumbo, an official being appointed somewhere (sorry, I was only half listening as I generally listen to news of the Hurricane Katrina mess these days)... anyway, this political figure said, "I don't believe Roe v. Wade has a super-dooper precedence here."

Hello?! Two MAJOR things here:
# 1) ANY politician saying Roe v. Wade has no precedence?! WTF?!

# 2) using the word "super-dooper"?! (a political figure no less...)

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I.FEAR.FOR.OUR.COUNTRY.

Yep, Definitely Getting Back to Normal

Barefoot had an appointment this afternoon, so she dropped the cherubs off at my house. Before she left, the boy cherub was crying after her, "mommy! mommy!" She quickly walked back inside, kissed the kids goodbye, and said,"I'm coming back. Mommy was just mad."

As she walked out, I just laughed and said, "take your time..."

Brazilian or Native?

I've had this draft saved since right before the hurricane hit. Once I saw the devestation left behind, I realized my sense of humor was destroyed as well. Now, two weeks later, I feel the need for a bit of "normalcy." Forgive me if it seems a bit irreverent during a time of crisis.
_____________________________________________

My husband and I talked about pubic hair last night for twenty minutes. (No, I am NOT joking.) Do you ever wish that you had a conversation recorder just so you could play it back and laugh your ass off? (again and again?)

me: "___ and ____ shave each other as a turn on."
Babe: "I think that's a bit much, but I can understand why they do it."
me: "seriously? because I just don't get it."
Babe: "It's like guys who pimp their ride. You know, they pimp even the parts that nobody ever sees, just because they are THAT cool."
me: "so it's like getting a pedicure?"
Babe: "right. they can say I'm so well groomed; I even take care of THAT!"
me: "but to shave it off completely?!"
Babe: "no, it's more like a landing strip."

Need I go ON?! I only wish this post could do our conversation justice.

note to self:
*lesson #1. scissors are never a good idea
*lesson #2. morning sex and leg cramps are tolerable after all

hmmm, who knew?!

Shelter From the Storm

I simply cannot form one coherent thought right now. I can't articulate my feelings very well, and it's a constant battle. I know it would prove to be quite therapeutic if I could put it all out there; I just don't have the energy. Like Barefoot, I too am exhausted. I'm grateful for the post she wrote, please take a moment to read it. I'm grateful for the sacrifice and effort she continues to put forth, and I'm grateful for my family and friends around the world who are supporting me with their thoughts and prayers. If any of you missed the Shelter From the Storm Benefit Concert last night, you can watch part of it here. (The first song is "Louisiana"...it will stick with me forever.)

RANDY NEWMAN Song Lyrics
Louisiana 1927
(From the album "GOOD OLD BOYS")

What has happened down here is the wind have changed. Clouds roll in from the north and it started to rain. Rained real hard and rained for a real long time. Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline. The river rose all day. The river rose all night. Some people got lost in the flood. Some people got away alright. The river have busted through clear down to Plaquemines. Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline.

CHORUS

Louisiana, Louisiana. They're tyrin' to wash us away. They're tryin' to wash us away. Louisiana, Louisiana. They're tryin' to wash us away. They're tryin' to wash us away.

President Coolidge came down in a railroad train. With a little fat man with a note-pad in his hand. The President say, "Little fat man isn't it a shame what the river has done To this poor crackers land."

CHORUS

In humble remembrance...

In the flooded city, hundreds of New York firefighters who battled the conflagrations in their city four years ago, attended an outdoor Catholic mass in New Orleans. Michael Weinlein, assistant chief of operations for the New York fire department, said: "We worked side by side as we dug through the rubble of the World Trade Center. We have come to repay that debt."

Thank you.

click here for source.

Proud mama moments...

oh the joys of being a mother. I hope this link works. I've been trying to upload a video clip that has brought a bit of humor into our lives...and well, just see it for yourself.

Let me know if it works, (or if once again, I have failed miserably at HTML). Either way, I want to know! Simply click on the picture, and it should redirect you to my media site. Click play, and voila!

P.S. Thanks to soapbox.SUPERSTAR for the "no swearing" sign she posted on her site! It was simply one of those I HAD to have!

Faith Renewed

Ok, so I wrote this post a couple days ago. I couldn't bring myself to publish it because literally five minutes after I wrote about "my faith renewed"...I heard the news. I read the stories. I listened to our local radio stations taking calls from New Orleans and the surrounding areas. I heard the heartbreak in their voices. And it made me angry!! I wrote a follow-up post because I was so pissed. (I truly had a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moment.) I couldn't decide... was I happy or was I sad? Was I melancholy, or was I pissed as hell? I wanted to rant and rave. I wanted to vent my frustrations. I wanted to post the weblinks to those awful stories I read. I wanted to be in a bad mood, and all I wanted was for people to say, "I absolutely agree with you...you're an irrational bitch, but I agree with you." And that would have been ok with me, truly, it would have. However, I didn't want to fuel the fires. I know I tend to preach unity and support, devotion and giving others the benefit of the doubt to those making judgemental comments...(hypocrite, right here) and yet, all I want to do break away from the system, tell them how badly they suck, show my true colors... So in an effort to do the right thing, I kept the original post and deleted the follow-up bitchfest. (thank you, thank you...pats on the back are greatly appreciated.)

* Original Post Date: Saturday, September 3, 2005 *

I came across a story that Sleeping Mommy had linked on her site. It is just one of the thousands of GOOD THINGS being done in this country to aide in the devastation we are seeing on the news. If you are feeling discouraged, feeling like you are just one person living too far away to do anything to help, please read this story. I know that through this tragedy, we are seeing the best and the worst being brought out in everyone. But this just proves that despite the decay of our loyalties and faith, there is a lot of good that is coming from it as well.

I have also followed the advice of my father (fat, naked dancing cartoon in my comments section??), and I am trying to feel grateful rather than guilty. I am grateful that we (ordinary citizens) are able to provide relief to those in need, even if it is just a hot meal or a blanket. I am grateful my family and my home are safe. I am grateful for the love and support pouring in from around the country. I am grateful we live in a democracy. I am grateful we have certain freedoms, such as the freedom of speech (and blogging, of course!). I am grateful for my faith in God, And I am grateful for His love and mercy.

And in an effort to be "normal" once again, I went to Target yesterday (my utopia, but that's another story), and I must admit, the first half hour was very difficult. We saw a girl (former Target employee from New Orleans) shedding tears of gratitude as the manager reassured her that she had a job here, and she could start right away, and stay for as long as she needed. The place was bustling with lots of people, workers were trying to restock the empty shelves, lines went out the door, delivery trucks were constantly ringing the bell, hospital workers were shopping for supplies due to the sudden influx of nursery patients in our area, people were taking spitbaths in the public restrooms... and I was shopping for ?? What, Barefoot? What did I even buy? Nothing of consequence (except of course for Little Girl Cherub's birthday, which was the driving force behind attempting an hour of "normalcy"), and yet, I still did not feel normal. After indulging ourselves with a mini shopping spree, I began to feel better about our situation. I've been trying to make peace with it. Honest. And visiting my Utopian Society helped to pull me out of a serious funk.

I do know that people are finally being taken out of New Orleans by the busloads (as promised two or three days ago), the hospitals are cleared out, helicopters have been flying overhead nonstop, and 60 newborn babies just arrived safely at a local hospital in our area. ((smiles all around!!)) I know that for every single person that died or suffered, there are at least 10 more that are living and getting better. For once I feel the sun's bright rays are more than just a cruel joke being played on those suffering without air conditioning or sunblock.

K, so there was a little bitching, but it was better than what I wrote 10 minutes later! TRUST ME!!

My Sound Board

I desperately feel the need to reconnect with my life. It's damn near impossible for me to fathom the idea that life is normal. It.Is.NOT. Nearly 300,000 refugees have flooded our towns, and amongst the desperation and surreal tranquility, social unrest is erupting everywhere. You keep thinking that things can't get any worse; that you believe in the hope and trust of the human experience and desperately want to believe that people are good natured with pure intent. You want to believe that we can all come together in a time of crisis. You want to save the world.

After 9-11, there was a feeling of patriotism and honor, even pride in our country for the way we came together and strengthened one another. What do you do, how do you feel when mother nature obliterates lives, homes, businesses, entire towns...? Can you feel pride in the volunteers giving of themselves and their sustenance? Absolutely. Can you feel pride in our government for taking charge and trying to make things right again? Absolutely. Can you feel pride in the fact that people are continuing to suffer, starve, and die while organizations "get their shit together" so they can start helping the situation? Absolutely not.

Things are wrong. I try not to watch the news very much or even listen to the radio because of the absolute heartache I hear. I can't close my eyes on my way to the grocery store and turn my head to the poverty and desperation surrounding me. Barefoot and I have been doing the only thing we can do right now; gathering food, clothing, toiletries, bedding, and anything else people can donate to take up to our church where members are beginning to pour in. They have nothing to go home to. They literally don't have a clue what is to become of their lives at the end of this.

My family is safe. I have a safe shelter overhead. We have food and water. And.I.Feel.Guilty. I look at the people who continue to go to work (nail salons, craft stores, the Ice Cream man , jewelry stores, book stores), and I feel sick. Why?Because it means that people are trying to maintain normalcy. This does not sit well with me. I couldn't take a client in and give them a pedicure or a fancy haircut while others are starving and dying of heat stroke less than 30 miles from where I am! I know it's irrational, but I feel like the world needs drop everything and rescue these people...and ... just, fix it.

I KNOW LIFE NEEDS TO GET BACK TO NORMAL. I know this in my head; my heart just can't grasp it. I am not blaming anyone. I just need to vent. This is the best therapy I can get right now, and I'm going to take full advatage. I apologize for the rambling, but these are the issues I'm trying to deal with. I need to share these thoughts to maintain my sanity.

Keep in mind I never said my thoughts were rational, and in fact, I know that they are even wrong. (no need to correct me) This is just my reality right now, and I'm trying to deal with it the best way I can.