This Guy Needs a Hobby--

Little Miss,

(blah blah blah)...our bylaws are intended to protect the safety of the community, as well as the appearance of the community. In the meantime, you need to arrange to park 1 vehicle in the garage.

We expect all members of the community to cooperate, willingly

- please be advised that you have received proper notification - and, you are expected to comply

- thank you, in advance, for your cooperation -

Mr. Retired, President

* I would like to take this opportunity to raise my middle finger and say HAPPY NEW YEAR!! (as we are not planning to "arrange" a single thing!)

This one's called...Stick It To The Man!

Ok, so I know I have no right to come back to my blog after being MIA for a couple of weeks, but I simply have not had ANY time to myself. I don't even have time to IM my best friends! (THAT'S bad!) In fact, I'm sure you cyberspace friends are all I got left...sigh. Between my brother in-law, my sister in-law, my husband's parents...OH AND MY MOM (more about that later), I haven't had the computer to myself for longer than two minutes at a time!

Anyway, I have a ton to blog about, but why do that when I can complain?! I am soooo pissed off at the President of our homeowner's association (who also happens to be my 80 year old next door neighbor)...That I simply MUST share the e-mail exchange, and add more should he dare to reply.

Mr. Retired wrote:

Little Miss – need to call your attention to Association’s interpretation for street parking – namely, homeowners have been requested to avoid parking on the street, especially overnight and for protracted periods of time – members are requested to park at least 1 car in the garage – to avoid a poor appearance for the neighborhood if, too many cars are parked in the driveway and/or, outside the garage – please consider this notification and, correct situation at your convenience – thank you, Mr. Retired, President.

Little Miss wrote:
Hi Mr. Retired, We have no room in our garage, hence my sister in-law will continue to park on the street until she leaves on Monday. Also, I do not feel it is "poor appearance" during the holidays when several families are getting together to celebrate Christmas. My Aunt and her family will be here tomorrow through Sunday as well, so there will be an additional car at my residence. Just giving you a heads up.
Thanks for the notice.Sincerely,Little Miss

*now, the rest of you know what a bitch I can turn into with the flip of a switch, so if he finds his decrepit balls and decides to come after me...it'll be all over (minus the soft hum of his oxygen machine running in the background).

What to Call it?

While my sister in-law was here for the week, she noticed some rather interesting things about my munchkins...things they do or say when I'm not around.

Here's what topped the list:

(besides Tiny's new fascination with "boops"--not to be confused with the "boops" that were formerly known as "boots"--we are now talking about real boobs, and she cleverly points out who has boobs and who does not, often in public, thank.you.very.much.Tiny.)

Anyway, while Tiny and Sweetie were in the bathtub, my sister in-law came downstairs to ask what our "policy was on um, nudity...body parts, you know? Va-jayjays?"

( b l a n k s t a r e )

She said they were splashing water onto each other's "front bums". Yes. That's right. Apparently they're naynays are called front bums, although they do realize Budd-uh has a penis. Later I discussed "modesty" with Sweetie (the five year old) and was talking about her vagina when she asked, "what's a vagina?"

(again with the blank stare)

Can someone please quote Kindergarten Cop here?--because that's all that keeps running through my head! That and the fact that I can never teach anyone about the birds and the bees because I can't even teach my own daughter that she has a vah-china!

So, I guess that's it.
Girls have a front bum and boys have a penis.

Why I Love My Dad!

1) He's always giving me new ideas on how to handle the kids!




2) He's always giving me new gift ideas for my husband!




3) He provides me with GREAT blogging material!!

This Is SO Wrong it's HILARIOUS

It's late, and I'm not in the mood to post my story about condoms. (sorry Ms. Jae and Erika--it'll just have to wait.)

I did however come across this story and GIGGLE myself into hysteria.

1) I can only imagine the embarrassment.
2) Farting makes me laugh, especially when it's at someone else's expense.

3) Even this tops MY most humiliating moment EVER!

Flatulence forces emergency landing

Anyone have an extra sledgehammer?

Yes, I am in need of a SLEDGEHAMMER, thank you very much. Apparently, having excruciating cramps every month is NOT enough for the angry gods of cynicism. So on top of trying to keep my ass from falling out and maintaining my iron count, I am once again experiencing a migraine from hell. Wonder how I'm writing this post?? I am 100% doped up.

Man I love that Peter Gabriel. Too bad music codes suck ass, or I'd play the song. Just for you. I don't want to be the only one singing it in my Ambien-induced sleep.

Wow, 4 Whole Days? Impressive.

Ok, so the truth? I haven't been "not posting"--I've actually just been extremely busy, and I KNEW that if I sat down to the computer even for a second, my work would NEVER get done. First, I cleaned the house. Not a big deal to some, but for me? a huge feat! Next I unpacked and organized the crap room (aka my craft room). I bought shelves and storage boxes for ALL.MY.STUFF. And then we got rid of the ugly swan and flower looking chandelier. Next up? Painting! Lots of painting.

Goodbye ugly green walls. Goodbye flower wallpaper.
Goodbye pink walls. (and ugly green carpet? and ugly pink wallpapered kitchen and bathroom? You're next!)









*I think the "before" and "after" pictures are pretty obvious, so I'm not going to explain any further.

(And mostly because my kids have been spoiled over the past 4 days of my recoup from nablopomoshmo that they are currently threatening to end each other's lives over an orange crayon and a plastic horse. Seems perfectly logical to me, but I better intervene.)