Monday, April 03, 2006

It's That Time...

I haven't blogged about bodily functions for a while now, and well...frankly, consider this post a major laxative. I was going to save each story for a different week, (you know, show some love one day, fling a little poo the next, flash cute pictures of my kids, throw a bitch post, then back to some more poo...) Anyway, you get the idea so just sit back and enjoy a story (or two or three). It's up to you just how much shit you can handle at once.

#1 Every.Damn.Time.
So, i've been trying to resist blogging about this...but I simply cannot ignore it any more!In the typical course of a day, I have to poop a couple times. Generally speaking, it's once in the morning and once at night. Though I must admit, ever since we got high speed internet, things have been different. Why are the two related? Let me explain my theory.

Every time I sit down to the computer, my body lets me know that I have to poop. It's as though the computer gods are trying to keep me from my evil ways of ignoring the kids, putting off the laundry, and paying the bills like a good mother should. But you know what? I have foiled them ALL because I stop what I'm doing, haul ass to the bathroom, and then come RIGHT BACK to my computer. So there!

My theory? Either the computer gods are pissed, or they are just trying to get me to flush ALL the crap out of my system at once. (whether on the computer, in the toilet, or in the bathroom at the McDonald's down the street...more on that one later)


#2 Timeline.
I was on my way back from picking my son up from preschool (a 60 minute drive round trip), when 3/4 of the way home, I had to GO. NOW. I was clenching, taking deep breaths, sweating, just trying to make it home. I was so close! But those urges were getting worse, and I was in so much pain. We're talking tears here people. I hate that feeling of "gotta shit right now or I'm gonna die"...and there's nothing you can do but hold it in!!

I was desperately trying to figure out how to pull off to the side of the road (not even ten minutes from my house)...but there were no shoulders. I'd have to go into a ditch, something not worth risking with my children in the backseat. Plus, it's a heavy traffic road, and I'd prefer not to share THAT with my fellow commuters.

So back to my options. Gas station? Get all of my kids out of the van and into a dirty gas station? I don't even think I could get them unbuckled before messing myself. No.must.keep.driving. (By this point, I was literally five minutes from my house.)

enter thought: I could just go in my pants. save myself the torture. i'm almost home, no one will know. i can end this pain RIGHT NOW, and be home in five minutes...

MCDONALD'S! Oh my gosh, there's a McDonald's on the corner, less than a mile from my neighborhood. It's clean, kids will be safe there, and I can blame it all on them!! Tires screeching as I pull into the parking lot...MOVE,MOVE,MOVE!!!

I cannot tell you just how CLOSE that was. I was considering CRAPPING IN MY PANTS, people!! Oooh, that was an awful drive home.


#3 More Girl Issues
As if being on the rag isn't bad enough, our bodies go through lots of trauma each month. Between the hormones, the cramps, the bloating, and the general PMS...I have to deal with more bodily functions! I don't know why, but the first few days are horrid! It's as if my body has put all of it's focus into hemorrhaging that it forgets to send other signals to my brain. For example, I am given a two second warning before I have to poop. By the time the message hits my brain, my bowels have already began to release the waste. I am not kidding.

Earlier today, I was at BFB's house when I suddenly ran THROUGH the house to get to the bathroom. (shoving kids out of my way!) And let me tell you, it was not a second too soon!!

Then just tonight, while writing this post...and IMing BFB and JM, I suddenly jumped up and hauled ass through the house! My husband was in the livingroom when I flew past him, he asked what was going on, and I didn't stop...just yelled behind me, "I'm gonna shit my pants!!"

Looking back on the whole thing, I realize two things. One, I was at the computer both times. And two (including my McDonald's story), I was on the rag. Oh well, I guess we all have issues to deal with. Mine just happens to be shit.

18 comments:

  1. Oh, whether everyone is going to admit it or not, we can all relate! I could blog about a particular time, but better that no one have to read that story, it is like your McDonald's one......

    You need a laptop and wireless internet so you can take the computer to the bathroom with you! :-)

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  2. If Little Miss had a wireless computer she'd have to change her blog name because you know she'd be blogging in the bathroom, it's called multitasking!

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  3. I have the same affliction you have. I once told somene in a public restroom that I would pay them to hurry up. That's some serious shit.

    But I'm sorry you have it too.

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  4. I am going to DIE. I think you should forward these stories... ALL OF THEM. To a certain sister in law of yours. Do you think she would LOVE IT. (Or do these stories fall in the PG-13 catagory?) Just asking..... I LOVE YOU... you make me laugh. Even if I just think of you... I laugh.

    Tickersa posted about thinking about the poor people who would be on the pot during a natural disaster. I decided that the two of you would be in there... laughing the WHOLE time!

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  5. Kim's so right. And it's very refreshing to hear someone let it all hang out.

    Now smelling someone letting it all hang out would be a whole other story!

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  6. Well, you need to get your s$#t together!

    tee hee.

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  7. Something strange and poop related has happened to me this morning TWICE already. I am sick though...so maybe that's why. Still and all...this is not normal.

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  8. Let me just say, I am so damn glad there is a Tom Thumb grocery store on my way to work. There have been many times I have had to make a quick entry into the store for the same such reason. Then I ALWAYS feel compelled to buy something.....

    If my Husband read these posts, he would die. He so cannot deal with bodly functions...he is such a damn girl!!

    On other note, my office is right next to the bathroom here at work. I told Kim on Friday, about this little gem of information before she came with me to my office. So many times my boss has come out and looked into my office and said "Don't go in there I left a baby seal." I burn candles in my office...not for the abiance.

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  9. On several occasions I have been forced to drive home to use the toilet. I refuse, absolutely REFUSE to use the bathroom in my office. For one, we all share ONE bathroom. Second, the boys are supposed to clean the bathroom ... do they do it? No. It's totally disgusting.

    I have also considered pooing in my pants just to releive myself of the tears and pain. What an awful, awful thing. We've all been there.

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  10. Hey I came here first time..nice blog you've got here..interesting post, and nice pics..the last post was interesting too..though I didn't have much time to read it. Anyway, have fun and keep posting:-)

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  11. first off, it's possible that your consumption of coke zero has something to do with your pooping problems. soda messes with you... BIG TIME. i've been in tears before hoping that i could make it home and, yes, considering crapping my pants. ease up on the soda and you should notice a big difference.

    secondly, whenever someone talks about pooping or farting... SURPRISE!! nytro has to hit the bathroom. i'm all about subliminal messaging.

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  12. in fact... yep. I gotta go now.

    thank you very much.

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  13. OK - I know what you're talking about. Might I make a suggestion? NEVER, I MEAN NEVER, have a pastrami burger and onion rings the night before flying to Hawaii. Save yourself the pain and dignity!

    Here's another thought that occurs to me quite often while using the bathroom:

    "SHEESH! I AM FULL OF SHIT!"

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  14. thank you, thank you for this early morning laugh...I needed it, and being a mom, of a 4,2 and 1 year old I also have to deal with 3 other peoples crap on several times daily basis. You want poop stories, poop stories I have!!! I can feel ya on the move,move,move! Kids are never fast enough when you are not in a hurry..when you are gonna crap yourself..slug slow! Speaking of..I have 2 shitty diapers to change right now..good morning to me!!!

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  15. One suggestion: FIBER. LOL

    How's that working for you when you're at work?

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  16. Good grief - that's a lot of pooping. I would love to give you a comparitive situation.. but I just can't!!

    I'm just not to that point in my life yet. When I am.. I'm coming back here!

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  17. Have I told you lately that I love you?

    This post had me laughing out loud AND nodding in agreement...I, too, poop about twice a day and I have to tell you - my husband loves to tease me about not being able to hold my shit in. Ever. Why, I can be right in the middle of a bite to eat and just set my fork down and walk off. Seriously.

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Oh come on-- the least you can do is say HELLO!! You didn't come all this way to turn around and walk away, did you? DID YOU??