It's That Time...

I haven't blogged about bodily functions for a while now, and well...frankly, consider this post a major laxative. I was going to save each story for a different week, (you know, show some love one day, fling a little poo the next, flash cute pictures of my kids, throw a bitch post, then back to some more poo...) Anyway, you get the idea so just sit back and enjoy a story (or two or three). It's up to you just how much shit you can handle at once.

#1 Every.Damn.Time.
So, i've been trying to resist blogging about this...but I simply cannot ignore it any more!In the typical course of a day, I have to poop a couple times. Generally speaking, it's once in the morning and once at night. Though I must admit, ever since we got high speed internet, things have been different. Why are the two related? Let me explain my theory.

Every time I sit down to the computer, my body lets me know that I have to poop. It's as though the computer gods are trying to keep me from my evil ways of ignoring the kids, putting off the laundry, and paying the bills like a good mother should. But you know what? I have foiled them ALL because I stop what I'm doing, haul ass to the bathroom, and then come RIGHT BACK to my computer. So there!

My theory? Either the computer gods are pissed, or they are just trying to get me to flush ALL the crap out of my system at once. (whether on the computer, in the toilet, or in the bathroom at the McDonald's down the street...more on that one later)


#2 Timeline.
I was on my way back from picking my son up from preschool (a 60 minute drive round trip), when 3/4 of the way home, I had to GO. NOW. I was clenching, taking deep breaths, sweating, just trying to make it home. I was so close! But those urges were getting worse, and I was in so much pain. We're talking tears here people. I hate that feeling of "gotta shit right now or I'm gonna die"...and there's nothing you can do but hold it in!!

I was desperately trying to figure out how to pull off to the side of the road (not even ten minutes from my house)...but there were no shoulders. I'd have to go into a ditch, something not worth risking with my children in the backseat. Plus, it's a heavy traffic road, and I'd prefer not to share THAT with my fellow commuters.

So back to my options. Gas station? Get all of my kids out of the van and into a dirty gas station? I don't even think I could get them unbuckled before messing myself. No.must.keep.driving. (By this point, I was literally five minutes from my house.)

enter thought: I could just go in my pants. save myself the torture. i'm almost home, no one will know. i can end this pain RIGHT NOW, and be home in five minutes...

MCDONALD'S! Oh my gosh, there's a McDonald's on the corner, less than a mile from my neighborhood. It's clean, kids will be safe there, and I can blame it all on them!! Tires screeching as I pull into the parking lot...MOVE,MOVE,MOVE!!!

I cannot tell you just how CLOSE that was. I was considering CRAPPING IN MY PANTS, people!! Oooh, that was an awful drive home.


#3 More Girl Issues
As if being on the rag isn't bad enough, our bodies go through lots of trauma each month. Between the hormones, the cramps, the bloating, and the general PMS...I have to deal with more bodily functions! I don't know why, but the first few days are horrid! It's as if my body has put all of it's focus into hemorrhaging that it forgets to send other signals to my brain. For example, I am given a two second warning before I have to poop. By the time the message hits my brain, my bowels have already began to release the waste. I am not kidding.

Earlier today, I was at BFB's house when I suddenly ran THROUGH the house to get to the bathroom. (shoving kids out of my way!) And let me tell you, it was not a second too soon!!

Then just tonight, while writing this post...and IMing BFB and JM, I suddenly jumped up and hauled ass through the house! My husband was in the livingroom when I flew past him, he asked what was going on, and I didn't stop...just yelled behind me, "I'm gonna shit my pants!!"

Looking back on the whole thing, I realize two things. One, I was at the computer both times. And two (including my McDonald's story), I was on the rag. Oh well, I guess we all have issues to deal with. Mine just happens to be shit.