I Do NOT Want to Do This.

My cousin was killed in a car accident the night of his 28th birthday. I just found out the services have to be a closed casket viewing because of the trauma sustained. I am SICK to my stomach. And my heart aches. Why is it that with tragedies you always want to know more details?

I kept asking, and now I know...and now I can't get those images out of my head. All day long I've been trying to pack, get ready to fly home for the funeral, and all I can think about is that awful carwreck and the rest of my family.

Would it have made a difference if the semi was in the other lane? would it have mattered if the driving conditions were better? would it have mattered if he wasn't speeding? would any of these factors have changed anything? NO. So why do I keep asking myself those questions? Why am i angry at the truck driver for going 25 mph in the fast lane? I guess I feel the need to blame someone, but not my sweet cousin. He didn't see the semi, either that or he had no clue the truck was going so damn slow, and he slammed into the back of it, and then it was over. All in a single instant. That's it.

And then the news, I read it online and they even showed a video clip. I can't believe they actually showed the body bag on the side of the road. I think I just threw up in the back of my throat a little bit. They said "a 29 year old man was driving through the canyons when he rear ended a semi, dying on impact." He was an amazing kid. How can I think of him as a man? He may be my same age, but they make him sound so grown up. I'm not even grown up, and I have three kids! He died in the prime of his life. He didn't have a chance to be a man, not in my mind anyway. He's my cousin, my friend, he's my age and we're still 28 years young.

I love you, B.K.E. and I will see you again someday.
(you've always been beautiful!)