My tuesday ritual...(seems to be anyway)

Hmmm...it's Tuesday and I'm off work from 6 a.m. - 6 p.m. I've enjoyed hanging out in my dorm room. No seriously-- I live with interns. I have four roommates in this place. We share a fridge, a kitchen, a bathroom...everything. I am back in college, living in the dorms, attending bootcamp for midwives! I never imagined that I would be woken up at midnight by stinky food and a roommate insisting I clear off my shelf in the fridge to make room for her tofu and beans. I thought my roommate days were over when I married N8 nearly 12 years ago!

In any case, it has been nice to enjoy the day alone, catching up on emails and resting. Figured I might as well update my blog too, seeing as how I'm leading this double life at the moment.

Lately I've been having the worst stomach pains. I know it's due to the pregnancy, but it seems to be getting worse as time goes on, not better. I received the following counsel from a friend of mine about as knocked up as I am currently... [and my copy/paste is malfunctioning at the moment and I refuse to transcribe the entire email!]

Basically she said morning sickness comes down to one thing, your thoughts. She has to take inventory of her thoughts and feelings when she feels worse vs. when she feels better. Often times the level of stress and anxiety she was feeling or experiencing at the time contributed to her morning sickness. Ergo she encouraged me to let the cat out of the bag, and tell everyone that if they can't say anything nice to not say anything at all...then of course reminded me of my dad's favorite piece of fatherly advice: what anyone thinks of me is none of my damn business!!

So...am I the reason my intestines are in knots?? Will I suddenly feel renewed once I stop hiding the fact that I'm pregnant from the rest of my collegues?? Or will I be faced with new anxiety for having spilled the beans and constantly be worrying about my place in their world?

p.s. and why do I now have that 80's song stuck in my head???

very funny...

I haven't logged onto this site since the last time I blogged...which was way back in November. As soon as the web page appeared, I saw a post with a huge "Waiting for Baby" logo...

Ummm...how ironic is it that I am now actually waiting for baby?

Yes, it's true. I am 11 weeks pregnant with Baby #4 and have kept it a secret since we found out on April Fool's day (true story- and it's a long one, maybe I'll share that one down the road).

ANYWAY...once again I have discovered how deeply I miss my anonymous public life. I can spout off now and then on Facebook, but I am still restricted (or guided by my own intuition) to keep some aspects of my life to myself for a while.

Then again, I suppose if I didn't accept all of my 'colleagues' as "FRIENDS" on facebook, I could have more of an open book and I wouldn't have this inner turmoil constantly ruling my posts online!!

Sigh.

Nonetheless, Little Miss will be blogging more often as the next 6 weeks will be quite the challenge for her. [and then some]

p.s. in case you didn't catch the memo...if you are friends with me on facebook, please don't talk about this! I need a place just for me. K thanks.

NaBloPoMo FAIL.

Ok, ok...I will raise the white flag proudly and accept defeat. THREE births in FOUR days (with very little sleep in between labors) can really knock a gal down for the count! Seriously. It has been one, never-ending dayandnightanddayandnightanddayandnight and finally, the weekend!

Which is now over, and my week is starting all over again tomorrow. Great.

Happy Monday.

Life Before Birth

Very Early Parenting: An African Model, A Child's Song

"There is a tribe in Africa where the birth date of a child is counted not from when they've been born, nor from when they are conceived but from the day that the child was a thought in its mother's mind.

And when a woman decides that she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree, by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come. And after she's heard the song of this child, she comes back to the man who will be the child's father, and teaches it to him. And then, when they make love to physically conceive the child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite it.

And then, when the mother is pregnant, the mother teaches that child's song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the old women and the people around her sing the child's song to welcome it. And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child's song. If the child falls, or hurts its knee, someone picks it up and sings its song to it. Or perhaps the child does something wonderful, or goes through the rites of puberty, then as a way of honoring this person, the people of the village sing his or her song.

And it goes this way through their life. In marriage, the songs are sung, together. And finally, when this child is lying in bed, ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song, and they sing--for the last time--the song to that person".

Story attributed to Jack KornfieldIn Wayne Muller, "How, Then, Shall We Live?"


If you are pregnant, know someone who is pregnant, or thinking about becoming pregnant, please check out Birth Psychology: Life Before Birth. So much of what we read has to do with what to expect physically during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum; but what about emotions? what about psychology? Motherhood is a journey and all aspects need to be processed, prepared for, grieved for, embraced, or even rejected...but not discounted.

Crizzap!

Well...another day I missed with NaBloMoShoPodoodah! Ummm, I guess it's ok because I just don't have anything interesting to say at the moment. And who wants to read about nothing? Isn't that why we browse other people's blogs??



I'd like to blame it on pregnancy brain because I'm surrounded by pregnant women all the time! I firmly believe that just as women's cycles can synchronize, so can pregnancy brain and other crazy hormones. Muwahahaha!!

A comment I'd like to share

Having just returned from the birth of an eleven pound baby boy, born at home and perfect in every way...I can't help but ponder some of the reasons why I am doing what I am doing. Homebirth is not for everyone, in fact, only 2% of the US population gives birth at home. However we can find common ground. If you look at the statistics, there is no doubt our country is in desperate need of maternity care overhaul! Visiting one of the websites I HATE (angry OB turned anti-homebirth and wants every one to know it!), I came across the following comment.

[and I felt like posting]

From Kneelingwoman:

Hello Everyone:

I might suggest that you join forces with a broader notion of maternal and infant health and well being and work alongside people like me who are trying to get educated about a more sane and balanced approach to childbirth that acknowledges the risks but also understands that many, many women truly need a more human-scale, compassionate and yes, for many, more natural and straightforward approach to birth. Hospitals and Birth Centers can accomplish these goals with no loss of safety for mother or baby. Home Birth can be made more safe by improved attention to educating and training midwives in recognizing and dealing with emergency situations. There are so many babies and women dying in childbirth in developing countries, and I truly think that more women would be willing to being open to a more balanced view of birth and parenting if that balance were PRESENTED. As it stands, everything here is extreme, polarized and seems to exist not to educate and inform, but to attack and encourage dissent and disunity. Why not try to find the common ground and grow from there? Sometimes, you have to meet people where they are to make any change.

If you believe that the current system of home birthing care is harming women and babies then stick to education and add a willingness to truly listen when young women come here to ask questions; listen and perhaps sit on your hands for a few minutes before deftly slicing her apart at the seams sending her away with nothing new except a belief that people in authority can't be trusted and that she is probably right when she concludes that Dr's are control freaks who don't care about women. If you don't want to grow the attitudes that encourage a certain sub set of NCB advocates to become extreme in their views and actions---don't feed it by giving them exactly what they think they're going to get. Show some kindness and hold your ground at the same time.

So, there are good things that can happen if you keep your eye on what you are trying to accomplish. If you want to change lives and minds, you have to give people information in a way that doesn't knock them off their own center. The battering ram/bullying approach only makes them withdraw; nothing changes.

I know this goes both ways. I will always do my best to respect WOMEN'S CHOICES, (no matter what those choices are), because I support a woman's right to choose. PERIOD.

bizarre

Where is Perez when you need him?! Hmmm? I expected SOMEONE to totally rip on Taylor Swift for her performance on the CMA's last night...I have been sorely disappointed. I guess winning Album of the Year had something to do with it, eh? This punk rock/teenage angst thing just wasn't workin for her...and actually, she reminded me of ME (long legs, lanky, not great with choreography but following someone else's dance steps anyway) and I just felt bad for her. Okay, I felt bad for myself. But whatever. Watch the video. You decide.



*word of caution, the song AND the bizarre outbreak (I mean break out) performance by Taylor kinda grows on you after a while

mid-day DO OVER!

Today was not starting out well...I missed Thanksgiving lunch with Tiny and her Kindergarten class, waiting for Sweetie's class to come an hour later when I got called out for work. It was one of those "drop everything and run" phone calls. I didn't even get to say good-bye or explain to Sweetie why I would not be waiting for her in the school cafeteria.

When I got home a few hours later, both girls were in tears because I had let them down. Not only did I let them down, but they got their feelings HURT. Tiny went so far as to say she wished she wasn't here because then I "would be able to go to Sweetie's lunch and then Bud-duh's lunch and nobody would be left alone". I felt so bad...crawled back into my bed (pillows over top) and cried.


Thankfully there was little time for self-pity. Nannie and Poppie took Tiny to get new shoes, Bud-uh went with Daddy to cub scouts, which left Sweetie and I to enjoy a (spur of the moment) girls night out! We walked to the Chinese restaurant and laughed and giggled and talked and snuggled. Followed by dessert at Dunkin' Donuts...it was so nice to be with her.






*Tonight was in no way a "kiss up" for skipping out on her, though I don't know I can fully express what I am feeling. It was as though I was being given a "do over" to my day. The Lord recognized this need in my life and provided a way to show me I was going to be OK after all. Thank you.

Rain, rain...

I know things happen for a reason. I know that when we listen to our inner selves (see previous post for expansion on that idea), we can be instruments in the hands of someone greater than us all.

November is a difficult month for a dear friend of mine. Nine years ago she found her son's body in the condo he had been renting. He was almost 19 years old. I was heartbroken when I heard the news. The autopsy reports were inconclusive. He had a history of seizures; therefore the doctor ruled accidental death, but my dear friend feels differently. She is still searching for answers, searching for the truth. Late last night I had the impression that I should send her a YouTube song or video...something to comfort her or bring her some peace. (She's a fan of music this way.) So I began searching with the Beatles and "Let it Be"...seemed like a great song with an inspirational message. But I kept searching. I stumbled upon "Stairway to Heaven" and bookmarked it; thinking that song was too bold. Nearly an hour later, I was still holding onto the last song...finally I sent it to her.

"And as we wind on down the road Our shadows taller than our soul There walks a lady we all know Who shines white light and wants to show How everything still turns to gold And if you listen very hard The truth will come to you at last When all are one and one is all To be a rock and not to roll And she's buying a stairway To heaven..."





And this is the reply I received from my dear friend:

amazing that you came up with that song, when i came home from funeral party (my son's friends) around 2 a.m. by myself in my dark house all alone, my radio came on out of nowhere (i did NOT turn it on) playing exactly that.....these are the moments that make meaning out of unanswered questions. little signs. the first sign was when it came on the radio, this is a seconding of that first one. comforting. like, its all in place....

mo'blogging

Roadtrip all day yesterday...no posting. How sad. Oh well. If I'd have mobile blogged yesterday, it would have ended with lots of swearing and awkward silences. (Doesn't make for good reading- unless you're me and you want to feel like someone else "knows how I feel" and can relate to ME!)

there I go with the multiple personalities thing again.

Ya know, I'd like me if I never met me. Seriously. I think I'm a pretty cool gal.